The World-Famous Al Can't Hang / BG Email Thread

Archived in the way-back machine, originally published 2/15/06

Updated 731AM. Surprise Special Guest Star! Scroll down.

644AM, Wednesday

Mr. Allen Cannot Hang (or Current Resident),

I remember growing up in this little town of mine and having to take a sick day from school. There was always that little adrenaline rush you had knowing you were going to eat Jello and not cafeteria food, but by 10AM you were watching one of the four channels that came in on the rabbit ears and figuring there was no way Bob Ross was getting a mountain landscape on to that canvas in just 30 minutes.

Now? Seventy some-odd channels and there still ain't shit worth watching during the day on TV. I'm bored. Bored to epic proportions. I haven't been this bored since the great chicken pox epidemic of 1983. Doesn't mean I necessarily want to go back to work today, but I can't deny that I'm not bored enough to consider it.

So why the boredom? I have more distractions now than I did 23 years ago, and certainly the immediacy of distraction fulfillment in the Internet age is apparent, but I remain unable to genuinely dump myself into these distractions with any true enjoyment. I'm gunshy to hop back on the poker tables after a couple of weeks off, there's not enough horse racing to keep me busy until we get closer to the weekend (Tues/Wed couldn't be more dull on the horse front), and TV has not been enjoyable as of late.

The weird one is the "gunshy about poker" thing. Bike/training wheels/riding a horse/whatever, I know... but I just haven't felt like I could devote the time and attention I want to playing a serious few hours of poker. That's likely to change today, as I might tackle the Double Stacks at 2PM at the best online poker site, but for right now I don't seem to have the killer instinct.

But I did win a token yesterday, so I don't have an excuse not to play the Double Stacks...

I digress. Hell, that's all I usually do is digress. Ever notice that? What good is a ramble without three or four distinct points of demarcation into another topic? We here in the rambling biz call those "digressions." And since I know why we're here and why we're doing what we're doing today, I suppose I ought to jump right in to our first topic of conversation, which I am going to posit on my own with no help from our listener request line we opened up yesterday. The topic? Five things I'd like to see go away please. Trends, people, whatever... Should be good for starters. Let's ride:

· Tattoos on women - Far be it from me to say that I think women are "perfect," because they're not. Women are self-conscious overly-emotional logic-lacking conclusion-jumping vain-ass cut-their-losses-on-a-whim types that are nearly impossible to argue with. But what keeps us interested? Boobies, curves and nice skin are the lure. They look great in clothes and astonishingly hot without. So why the fuck do they insist on sullying evolution's greatest concoction with half-rate ink scribbles? Tattoos made you stand out in 1989. Today? You're just another former sorority girl who can't handle her Blue Motorcycles and thinks she's being edgy. Women forget, guys want their women to symbolize that nubile spirit and look younger than they are. Plain and simple. Why do you think we like schoolgirl outfits so much? So why then are you trying to look like you belong on the back of a Harley instead of in a cheerleading outfit? I don't necessarily need a girl to be pure, but ultimately a relationship with a woman to me symbolizes all the potential of both the recalled giddiness of high school lust with the caring, doting attention of a mother-figure mixed in. Someone who wants to make you soup when you're sniffly and who you want to sneak peeks at while she's in the shower. Tattoos, to me, start to ruin the fantasy. And I wish they'd go away now please. (They're all bad, don't get me wrong, but the worst are the ones that are popping up high on breasts. Please do not distract me from looking down your blouse. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.)

· Nancy Grace - If I banish one attention-seeking assumptive harpy from my television screen forever, it'd be Nancy Fucking Grace. Oh, by the way... I think that girl is still missing in Aruba. Are we going to still be talking about this nightly in 2011?

· Public discussions about blogs - Iggy found a quote that both he and I find appropriate to the attempt to define what exactly a blog "is." Reminds me of the Clinton impeachment questioning where he asked the interviewer to define "is." Are we trying to draw a closed loop around everything from InstaPundit back to the ninth grade Filipino girl with a diary? Seriously? And why is it that we feel this need to narrowly scope "blog" anyway? Is it so the TV media can feel more comfortable when they are forced to acknowledge the existence of these things in a story? That's my suspicion at least. I've had a number of conversations with various people who lament the sad state of some of the blogs out there, and you know what? Don't fucking waste your time reading them. If they suck, let them suck in a vacuum. But to waste a moment of angst thinking that some dude's hand-history extravaganza somehow devalues the property around your little space is ludicrous. Point being, the media wants to be able to say "this is what a blog is, this is what it isn't," but even in our little community you could look at five distinct voices (here, how about me, you, DuggleBogey, Iggy, and The Fat Guy) and acknowledge in an instant that we're all doing wildly different things with our blogs. We're all friends and we're all poker players, but in each case the level of incidence these two commonalities have with the who/why/whats of our blogs vary. Anyway, you get my point. Even in this community you can't say, "This is a poker blog." Although if fucking Hank would write more, we might find ourselves with a template.

· Things That Are Coffee-Flavored That Are Not Coffee - Now, excusing the obvious examples like "ice cream cone," "popsicle," and "New England clam chowder," there really aren't many foods I don't enjoy either hot, cold, or at room temperature. As a matter of fact, I really enjoy Beef Pasta (formerly known as "Beef Noodle," before undergoing the one-word repositioning wizardry) Hamburger Helper the day after cold out of the fridge. Cold pizza? Yep. The last taco I didn't eat last night from my Taco Bell run? Yum. But it stops with coffee. Coffee needs to be scalding-fucking-hot, dark, and served without additional accompaniment. No cream, no sugar. Anything outside that natural state is just effing awful. Iced mocha? Jesus, what are you people thinking? All the "great taste" of coffee without the kick-your-ass factor of early mornings and burnt tastebuds? Chocolate-covered coffee beans? Fucking yuck. All the bullshit needs to go: Cappucinos, Mochaccinos, Choco-Mocha Ice Cream, whatever. Get it off the menu. I'll totally give a pass to espresso, however, because that's just coffee on steroids. The rest of this shit can go pound.

· Sex and the City Re-runs on Basic Cable/Your Local Fox - Groundbreaking if only because it proved to middle America that even rich bitches in New York know how to complain, I think it's time we put this bullshit in a time capsule and buried it somewhere so our great-grandchildren can dig it up with great-grandnana's blog from her days as a single 20-something and be embarrassed as to what a slut great-grandnana really was. That being said (and I've said it a half dozen times), women have given this show entirely too much play over the past seven or so years. You and your gal pals in Topeka are not just like those women, and if you are? Community service may help you find your soul again, good luck to you. I don't want to hear that your friend is a "Miranda-type," and I sure as shit don't think that girl who drank Tom Collinses in college is any more sexy or urbane now that she orders fucking Cosmo-tinis or some such shit. Actually, when I see single women together who drink like this I just file them under the category Media-Influenced Lemming and don't even think twice.

Then again, if what you drink says something about you, maybe it's fitting I'm drinking the same shit old rich white guys drink in stuffy uptown steakhouses. Anyway, this will be plenty to get you going, and I figured we may as well trot out a good ol' rant to get the juices flowing today.

Volleyed to you, please do return serve.

Best Wishes,

The GamblingBlues.Com Customer Support Team

cc: BG

1003AM, Wednesday

Jesus effing Christ!

Is that an email or a novel?

Welcome back Senor Genio del Muchacho. It's good to see you've got some spunk in your step

Five things I'd like to see go away please.

I'll avoid the obvious like my bills, taxes, mortgage, silly rules like "no drinking at work", and morality clauses that keep G-Rob from going apeshit on air and spending his kids tuition money on skanky strippers.

First, your list in quick hit fashion.

Girls with Tats.... my wife has a tat, what're you gonna do about it? Anyway, it's not visible unless she drops trou at the bar. Which she has done.

Nancy Grace... I had to google her to see who the hell she was.

Blog discussions... easy. Don't like, don't read.

Coffee... the only time I drink the stuff is in the wee hours of the morning in New Orleans at Cafe Du Monde with plates of beignets.

Sex in the City... I would rather have seen Kim Cattrall nekkid back in her Mannequin days.

My list of 5 things I'd like to see go away....

The need to be employed. If there's one thing I rule at, that no one can top me ever, this is it. I am great at doing nothing. Just ask my wife. She'll tell you I'm a lazy shit. If I hit the damned PowerBall I'd probably piss it all away on some badass Carribean villa and servants to bring me an endless supply of amber liquor and bacon laced foods while never leaving the comfort of the poolside lounge.

Judgemental people. I'm a drunk. Deal with it. I don't give you crap for being a straight-laced, tea-totalling, lung-hugging, tree-humping, up-tight-son-of-a-bitch do I?

Moronic NFL commentators. Joe Buck, Phil Simms, and the entire ESPN Sunday night crew just for starters. Maybe the job is tougher than it seems, but couldn't they just give me information to aid in my viewing of the game without the shitty ass hyperbole and stories that have little to do with the game. Joe Buck is a first ballot Worst Commentator Hall of Fame inductee.

Spam "link to me" emails. Don't get me wrong. I actively ask for link submissions. I believe in the always expanding realm of poker blogs (am I still a poker blogger?) and will link to anyone who asks. But it's the "spam" link emails that drive me up a wall. You know they're auto-generated and sent to every blogger they can find. For instance...

I'm interested in exchanging links with your project - http://www.alcanthang.com/poker/index.html

I've got a few sites I can supply links from in exchange for links back to www.MyShillSite.com.
All of my sites are original and frequently updated.
If you're interested, just drop me an email and I'll show you what I've got.
Don't forget to reply with your link's info - URL,Title,Description.

Ain't gonna happen. There's a better chance of me quitting the booze than you getting a link on my site.

Spandex. It doesn't look good on you. I'm talking to you. Yeah, you over there, you look like a sausage ready to burst. No matter what you think or your friends say, lose the spandex. Forever.

There ya have it. My quick 5 things I'd like to see go away.

~

I'm guessing we're going to be bouncing all over the map, so I'll stick with the "List 5" theme.

My first one for you is inspired from last night. I had probably the second best meal in my life. Eva and I went out to one of our favorite restaurants and we're always surprised by something on the menu. Last night was no different. Here's a little hint of some of our food.

Wild Boar Chops with gorgonzola butter and red currant jus for appetizer.
Chicken and Andouille Gumbo
Buffalo Rib Eye topped with caramelized red onion and tasso roasted garlic jus

It was my first time with wild boar and it was delicious. Imagine a pork chop except with actual taste. The gumbo was prefectly spicy and incredible. Did I mention this is a cajun/creole restaurant? The kicker was the buffalo rib eye. The only other cut of meat I've had that was this tender was Kobe beef. I've had kobe several times at this place and it's amazing. The buffalo rib eye was just as tender but the taste was out of this world. The fat content was off the charts giving an incredible taste on a piece of meat that melted in your mouth.

It was fantastic.

So that was my second best meal ever. The top 5 list....

5. Boa - I think this one has to make the list because of the group we were with and the food.

4. Alma de Cuba - Cuban restaurant in Philly. Great dinner with friends turned into a crazy night.

3. Aoki - Local sushi restaurant who knocked it out of the park one night. Perfect toro tuna and white tuna that melted. Dead-on sukiyaki on a cold night left me in a food induced coma.

2. High Street Caffe - Last night

1. Emerils - Several years ago we began staying the extra day following Mardi Gras to enjoy the city without the other 2 million retards running around. We decided to try Emerils. The meal was top of class from appetizer to desert to wines. Exotic mushroom cream sauce over angel-hair pasta appetizer, rack of lamp dinner, chocolate grand marnier souffle for desert, Cristal for the kicker.

I'm sure I didn't do it justice, but that's my list.

Now it's your turn to give me your top 5 list. And lets try to keep it under 5000 words....

1037AM, And It's Still Wednesday

Alagangle Unable To Dangle,

I had this dream last night where I was scrambling against someone else to gain control of this magic ring that could basically grant the wishes of the wearer, provided you pointed the ring at your target like Green Lantern and expressed your wish in the form of a rhyme. I remember changing my opponent into a donkey, and then a swimming pool on consecutive parries. I guess when I'm sleeping, I'm dreaming of farm animals and water in verse.

Paging Dr. Freud...

I really only mention this to illustrate the point that I am largely unable to keep anything under 5000 words, let alone what's supposed to be a marginally fractured look into our psyches on a Wednesday morning. How about a brief look at my Wednesday so far, before I jump into the requisite answer to the list posed previously:

I woke up, dashed out the first email over coffee, and hopped into iTunes to noodle around with my playlists (after transferring my library over, it was a little messed up). I then went into the iTunes store to find "Dogs 4 Life" off the Belly soundtrack (they didn't have it), and ended up buying $50 worth of Bob Dylan and/or The Band stuff instead. I made a whole playlist called "songwriters" where I stashed stuff like the Dylan/Band/Van Morrison/Jackson Browne/Velvet Underground and other stuff too. Now playing: "Like A Rolling Stone," which I think is the version off After The Flood live with The Band.

I also had two pop-tarts.

Also, apropos of nothing, I showered and managed to nick a nice gash with my razor inside my nose as I was trying to get the nose hair mowed down. I currently have a toilet paper plug up my left nostril. And no, I can't make up all the sorrows and lamentations I've tossed about over god knows how many months and posts at this place. I'd say well over 99% of this stuff is true, and what isn't true must be about my ex-wife, so far as she's concerned.

I also had a dream with her in it a few nights ago. It was an actual, honest-to-god nightmare without automatic weapons, terrorists, or threat of violence. I got up at 4AM and didn't make it back to sleep. Nice when you can go who knows how long not even thinking about things, and then have a bad enough dream that you want to send a scathing email out. But I'm not that much of a dick, and I don't want to invite unnecessary conversation anyway, so fuck it. I'll lie awake at 4AM and deal with it.

I know I mentioned it to you earlier, but thanks for letting me post this up today. A quick look at my statcounter should tell you why I wanted the privilege. We're edging real close to the 100,000th visitor spectacular here, and if you happen to be that visitor today and could get a screen shot, you'd be my fucking hero.

Okay, on to the topic at hand, and one I'm not entirely unconvinced I haven't answered previously. Top five meals of all time, or is it restaurants? I'll spin this one just a touch, because I've had a nice share of fairly amazing meals out at various restaurants in my time. How about Top Five Memorable Meals?

In no order...

· Disney World, Epcot Center, 8th Grade - My dad went to a conference in Orlando where he was a keynote speaker, and took me along for the early week with the family chasing later that weekend. Our first night in town there was a reception dinner at the Norwegian restaurant at Epcot that marked my first truly adventurous step in defining my tastes. I ate things like pate' and smoked salmon that night, and had an eager waiter trying to get me to drink (just off the boat presumably, damn immigrants) all meal long. It was an interesting meal, a great week of running through Disney World alone, and I actually had my very first (totally uncomfortable) date that week after my dad suggested I "ask out" another participant's daughter. We had a less-than-memorable meal and a bored conversation in a hotel stairwell. Ah, Orlando is for lovers...

· Spaghetti Night, Post-CCD Mondays from 1981-1984 - Every Monday Mom would whip up spaghetti with plain Prego dressing from the jar in a meat sauce and some Cole's garlic bread. My spaghetti now is far better, but less memorable to be sure.

· Stoned Pizza, circa 1995 - My roommate and I were so taken with the Hungry Howie's pizza we had just devoured after a fuckload of bong hits and about nineteen straight hours of NHL on the Nintendo that we (okay, I) actually called the pizza joint in tears to tell them how wonderful the pizza was. I would have laid money that the driver hadn't even made it back to the shop before they got our "we're done and it was awesome" phone call of gratitude.

· My First Multi-Course Italian Dinner - Seven courses, and they all came out at the same time and tasting awesome. I believe we had Caprese salad (fresh mozz and tomatoes/vinagrette), beef and asiago risotto, a five bean pork soup (turned out like a stew, but was fucking awesome), a roast, some appetizers (probably bruschetta and cheeses) and cannolis. All homemade, entirely by me, and I served twelve that night. I kick ass sometimes.

· 3950 at Mandalay Bay - Despite being both the last good and the last substantial meals I've eaten (and here we are two months later, thanks colon!), it was memorable for any of a variety of reasons. First, the ridiculous bill I ended up with at the end of the night (totally brought that on myself), the company and conversation, and also finding out after the fact what a couple of my dining companions were hopped up on, which certainly explained how much they enjoyed how everything tasted. Oh, and the Lions game was on in the bathroom. I watched some of the fourth quarter while brushing my teeth in there.

Let me repeat that, because I enjoy the very thought of it so much... I watched some of the fourth quarter of the Lions/Packers Sunday night tilt this year while brushing my teeth in a fancy Las Vegas bathroom. Rock on.

By the way, every time I think I can take this TP plug out of my nose the bleeding proves me wrong.

Now, to toss something back to you over the wall I'll take a suggestion from the peanut gallery. Namely, "What makes for a watchable TV show/movie?"

Interesting question, and one I think I'm going to try to answer with the contrarian perspective. In other words, what makes a TV show/movie unwatchable? A (hopefully) brief list:

· Fabricated Train Wrecks - Remember that episode of Frasier where Frasier and Niles jump to the erroneous conclusion and put themselves in a wildly uncomfortable position and must somehow find their way out before everyone assumes they're gay, assholes, or gay assholes? Yeah, me too. Way too clever for your own good gets you nowhere with me.

· Characters Way Out On The Fringes - Help me out here... has there been a truly "out there" character on a TV show since the Reverend Jim on Taxi that hasn't made your stomach turn? Kramer doesn't count, he's goofy but not way out there. If I'm missing someone, now's your chance. It's not like I'm demanding reality here, I do watch the occasional (and god-awful) Lifetime movie and some sci-fi, just have characters and not caricatures (Jack and Karen from Will & Grace, for instance).

· How To Handle Cliches - Here's a quiz for you: Name the last sitcom that didn't trot out the "bought my wife/girlfriend/fiancee a ring that 'fell off the back of a truck' and have to get her to give it back to me so I can get a real diamond put in it before she finds out" plot device. I'm waiting... Yes, I know that not all sitcoms have used that one, but it sure as hell seems like it, no? Here's the deal. If you're going to use the standard sitcom cliches, know going in that you're derivative and revel in it. Do it with a straight face and not the snarky po-mo "we know that you know that we know that you know they did this on Beverly Hillbillies first" bullshit sideways smile. This is precisely why I enjoy those Lifetime movies if the mood strikes me. They're all the fucking same, but they're so goddamn earnest that you can't not watch the plot go point by point right where you're predicting.

· Don't Attempt To Fix Something In 52 Minutes While Constrained By Time And/Or Budget - With the notable exclusion of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I don't want to see anything being remodeled, reshapen or fixed on TV. Save that for the Home&Garden Net or DIY.

· If There Are People Present Who Are Conscious They're On Camera And It's Not A Lions Game And They're Waving And Mugging In The Background, I Don't Give A Shit That They're On TV And I Turn Channels Post Fucking Haste.

· If Your Show Has The Words "Fabulous" Or "Fashion" In The Title And/Or Stars Star Jones Get Off My TV.

Jesus, I could go on and on. Consider these my initial six rules for television success. Anything to add?

Please Include a Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope For Prompt Reply. Thank You For Your Interest In GamblingBlues.Com.

The One Called BG

12:15PM, Wednesday

God I hate TV. This is a tough subject. Here's a few thoughts on the really bad stuff out there.

~

Reality TVYou want a sure fire way to make me change the channel? Be any kind of "reality" show. With apologies to CJ, reality TV is such a festering wound on all things entertainment. None of it is worth a shit and should be stuck in places like PAX or the Encore Love Channel where no one will accidentally come across them.

Of course, there is always the Girls Next Door show on E!. Who doesn't like a show involving 3 playmates and a decrepid old man? Just kidding, that's also on the scrap heap.

If you notice, like I did, the "biography" of Kendra....

Beauty & Brains: Kendra's goal is to have a career as a sports announcer or in sports massage. She attends massage-therapy school five days a week.

Seriously? That's under "Beauty & Brains"? I'll pass.

Talk Shows/People's Court shows Go away Dr. Phil. Piss off Oprah. Judge Judy, you've been found guilty of crimes against the viewing public. You've been sentenced to TV death by dismemberment.

And don't get me going about the cows on The View....

Series that involve Charlie Sheen, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or any stand up comedian. I hated Raymond, got nothing from Seinfeld, and Tim Allen needed, errr, improvment.

~

I really don't watch that much TV so I'm a little out of my element here. It's really tough to watch alot of TV when most of your time is spent in bars. I did my best.

Now if you were talking about the girls of TV, that's something we could discuss. Here's my (shortened, thanks work!) email back with my current top 5 girls on TV.

5. Patricia Arquette - Medium. Hey, what can I say? I like a little meat on the bones. It doesn't hurt that it's occasionally very chilly when you see dead people.

4. Vanessa Marcil - Las Vegas. You probably thought I would chose Nikki Cox from this show. I think Vanessa has passed her in my opinion. If you ever seen the crossover show this year with Crossing Jordan. Vanessa kneeling on the bed. Wife beater. Cold. That's all I've gotta say.

3. Jill Hennessy - Crossing Jordan. Nice segue? She keeps getting hotter as she gets older. More low cut tops would move her up the list.

2. Jennifer Morrison - House. I remember seeing her in some crappy skateboard movie and I thought she was cute then. The most unrealistic TV writing is House shooting her down. In real life, it would have been "ALL ABOARD!"

1. Katherine Heigl - Grey's Anatomy. That little girl that acted next to that beast Gérard Depardieu. Proof that there is a god in heaven.

I'll even go ahead and give honorable mention to Marg Helgenberger. She probably looks like complete hell without the makeup and grandma pushup bra, but she could give a semi under the right circumstances.

That's all you're getting from me in this particular email. I've gone and "worked" my way right through lunch ya bastige.

Your ever shrinking friend,

AlWontEat

p.s. Just to drive Daddy a little more food crazy, some other items on the menu last night....

Lobster Ravioli served with Jumbo Lump Crap Pesto Creme
Duck Medallions Au Poivre with Orange Brandy Demi
Seared Ahi Tuna with Black trumpet, Blood Orange Balsmaic reduction

A Word From Joe Speaker

Allow me to interject my skinny (and getting skinnier) ass into this
conversation. Top 5 Things I can just disappear.

1. Every asshole on the road. Seriously, people, is it of paramount
importance that you come roaring from 40 feet behind me as two lanes merge
into one in order to nose ahead of me, while forcing me to the shoulder, to
gain that crucial one car-length? What is it with you? Tiny dick? I hope you
crash into a median.

2. Chain Bar/Grills. Confession time. One, I live in what demographers call
the "exurbs," pre-fabricated towns created out of ether in the last 15 years
or so. Mine, in particular, is dry, arid and soulless. Two, last Thursday, I
went to get drunk. By myself. I wanted to sit over a beer (or 12) and
commiserate with a learned bartender over my problems, to discuss the finer
points of the Monroe Doctrine or Kentucky's 1-2-2 press. I wanted gritty
Frank down at the corner bar; I wanted wise old Nigel at the neighborhood
pub. But my exurb has no proper bars to speak of, unless you want to brave
the wrong side of the tracks, an adventure I don't recommend unless you have
the name of a Latina tattooed on your neck. So I ended up at the Restaurant!
And Brewery! Instead of an empathetic ear, I got a chirpy blonde
twentysomething chick whose only real world bar experience is a weekend in
Cabo where she over-indulged in Sea Breezes and Appletinis.
"HowstheHefeweitzengood?" she'd bleat at me every two fucking minutes and I
found myself calculating the odds of successfully smashing my pint glass
into a shiv and killing us both before someone stepped in. I used to have a
bar where the owners knew us by name and threw us a free pitcher of
Newcastle at least once per visit, where one of their waitresses got fired
for taking an attitude with my friends and I. Everybody needs a bar like
that. But they're being crowded out by Corporate Gentrification and Happy
Hour and Non-Smoking Laws and yes, soulless people who prefer to drink in
Bar/Grills.


3. My wife's boyfriend. You may have seen this coming. If I had the ability
to withstand 20+ years in the federal pen, I'd take care of this one myself.
Alas, I value the sanctity of my cornhole (and I pledge to take better care
of it in light of BG's recent events), not to mention my affinity for
carnitas burritos--and fetching them on a whim at 3 a.m. I have, however,
begun writing something where he dies a grisly death in the first act. I've
got high hopes for it.

4. The New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. We. Are. So. Sick. Of. You.
All.

5. "Safety" Laws. Our elected officials, in their infinite wisdom and
concern, continually pump out legislation designed to save us from our
ignorant selves, ramping up the price of living in a misguided effort to
control personal behavior. No smoking, no drinking, taxes here, wear a
helmet you dimwit, assessments there, no you can't let your child ride in
the front seat of the car until he's graduated from college and you know
who's gonna administer all these programs? Rob Reiner. This goes double for
you a-holes at the Homeowners Association.

238PM, Wednesday

Alabastard and Mr. Colonnic,

I actually got a ping from Ryan (formerly of Pokerrata) who said that the "Alagangle Unable to Dangle" intro to my last nearly had him snorting some variety of soda up his nose. Or out his nose. Or something similarly grotesque. Regardless, I heard from Ryan so if Lord Geznikor can just let us know what he's doing currently we'll only need to hear from Jeremy (Love & Casino War) to take a few of our former blogger compadres off the back of milk cartons.

No real reason I started there, other than to make sure everyone knew how cool I was for inventing the name "Alagangle Unable to Dangle." Oh, and Mr. Speaker? The topic was hot TV girls, we are so past talking about stuff that should just go away. If I wasn't afraid of 1,800 words of morosity and latter-day belly aching over at The Divorcinarium this afternoon I'd pick your guest post apart point by point, particularly the part where you didn't link any single actress photo therein.

I kid, I kid... I'm with you on the whole chain bar! and! grill! funomosphere corpvironment in every bullshit Chili's and Applebee's on the planet. Particuarly galling to me are the sappy bullshit Applebee's ads where the high school coach gets a spot on the wall and nearly craps his pants because the $3.35 an hour staff shipped in from the local community college gives him a half-hearted round of applause. You didn't fucking found the community dipshits and you're (in my town's case) almost 200 years late to the party, so calm the fuck down already and find something new to batter dip and deep fry all extreme and shit for next time, alright?

God.

I think my nose nick has finally stopped bleeding, but the shaving accident hasn't been the biggest annoyance in my day so far. I'm starting to get the bills and/or statements from my early January stuff and it turns out that my entire four day/three night excursion into the hospital is billed to 2005's insurance. This is stupid because only eight of a possible 74 hours spent as an admitted patient in the hospital were in calendar year 2005. Seems like a stupid policy. Instead of billing the dates on which the services were incurred, they bill the first date of service instead. Assholes.

So, on to the meat of the matter, which invariably seems to degenerate into the same place. Women on TV. Well, if you insist...

Quick takes on your top five ladies of the boob tube: Arquette no, Marcil was a "chick of the year" in my group when I was in college and she hasn't aged a day since, Hennessy has a freakishly small head, Jennifer Morrison really?, and Heigl has a tremendous body.

How about five of mine?

· Robin Meade - CNN Headline News' daytime anchor, she's really too sexy to be simply reading news. She should absolutely be in porn.

· Kristen Bell - aka the Veronica Mars chick. Totally does it for me.

· Tanya McQueen - She's on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition from time-to-time, and reminds me of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen a little bit. And you know what? I like Tanya better.

· Amy Poehler - Tina Fey is funny, Amy Poehler is fearless. Totally sexy, big big fan.

· Jisela from the Road Rules/Real World Shit - Image probably just NSFW, although you don't technically see anything. She's the one on the left. Hers was the only season I (partially) watched a Road Rules, and having her back on TV is most excellent.

By the way, food and boobs... is that all that runs through your head, or is this what happens when you're off the sauce for more than six consecutive hours? Very curious, if you ask me.

And what's with Gimme A Break releasing their first season on DVD, and they won't press a complete Larry Sanders which I'd buy as immediately as possible?

Shit, digressing again. And since I'm going to have to come up with something here for our next volley, and since I'm going to press upon both of you (Al and Joe, assuming you're still listening) to come back with something good, something fresh and something new for this next effort. Here's the rules: in no more than two sentences, detail your five lamest brushes with fame.

It goes like this:

· The WZZM Channel 13 Grand Rapids Bozo the Clown was rented by my dad via the PBS fundraising auction to attend an early 80s Memorial Day party of ours. I won a board game that had something to do with spiders.

· I received an autograph from a bored Eric Hipple during an autograph session at a deserted ice cream shop in the midst of a tornado watch.

· Upon meeting Wil Wheaton*, he launched into an astonished account of finding porn on the Internets. Apparently, they have porn there now.

· I had lunch with Jerry Sloan once.

· The guy who played the cop on the TV version of Alien/Nation gave me his business card at a golf outing. Same golf outing at which I was too intimidated to talk to Dawson's Creek's naughty teacher Tamara Jacobs herself, Ms. Leann Hunley**.

*I want to mention that meeting Wil was decidely not lame, but the story of such told in two sentences tends to be.

**See how I work two celebrities into the same two sentence story? Goddamn, I'm good.

I forgot to mention earlier too that I downloaded a JJ Cale album called Really from iTunes too. Don't know what possessed me, but upon hearing the cuts I had one of those where-have-you-been-my-whole-life sorts of reactions. Why haven't I heard JJ Cale before? Is it because we're not done hearing Boston's "More Than A Feeling" on classic rock FM yet? And when might that be?

Thank god for the iPod. Now playing, by the way, is the wonderful Fiona Apple version of "Across The Universe" from the Pleasantville soundtrack. Big fan. I'd throw up a link to a pic and remind you that I'd pork her too, but she's not on TV.

Regards,

Bee 2 Da Gee

4PM, Wednesday

I'm practicing a new style of writing. Starvation writing.

Yeah, I am definitely missing my lunch. I'm about ready to knaw off my own arm (as opposed to someone elses?) and mentioning last nights dinner didn't help at all. There are considerations going around about ordering out for some chinese food. Maybe some pizza but the only place that delivers only rates about a D+ for pie.

Welcome to the land of Beggars/Choosers.

Combine the two. Mongolian Beef on top of a white pizza? blech. I'm starting to lose it over here. I'm a multi-tasking golden god who's fat ass is starting to waste away to nothing. I'm starting to wonder if Eva finished her left over duck from last night....

No more food talk. It's gonna drive me insane.

~

I can't believe after I write about the horrors of the reality TV epidemic, you go and put not one but TWO reality TV girls on your list. For shame BG, for shame.

Now onto your challenge. No more than two sentences to describe my 5 lamest encounters with fame? I can write some pretty damned longed sentences. Let's see what I can dig out of my pickled brain.

- Last year's PCA visit in the Bahamas with Otis, G-Rob, Eva, and yourself saw us sitting in the lobby drunk as all shit. John Juanda walks by and I embarrass everyone by screaming across the lobby, "YOU'RE THE MAN JJ!" with the double goat horns.

- The same trip, I happen upon the lovely and talented Isabelle Mercier in the tourney area. From the look on her face, I'm pretty sure she thought I was some insane stalker ready to kidnap her. (Otis later gave a proper introduction so she wasn't as frightened.)

- I was in NYC for the taping of a VH1 show called Cover Wars and Ace Frehly (of KISS fame for all you not in the know) was one of the judges. The man was seriously warped after what I assume was a career full of heroin/coke and could barely hold a conversation.

- I met Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita, rest his soul) at a martial arts demonstration a long time ago. At the time, he was a small guy with a HUGE ego.

Finally, by far the lamest....

- I was just a wee kid and fascinated by the wrestlers like Bob Backlund, Greg Valentine, and Jimmy Snuka, when I had found myself standing next to the monster called Andre the Giant. Even though I was in awe, I ran up, tapped him on the elbow (I had to reach UP to his elbow) and asked for his autograph only to be brutally smacked away with snarky grunt.

~

Let's see what subject is next. You rag on me saying my only thoughts were of boobs and food so it'll have to be good. We have very different tastes in music. Why don't you hit me with a list of your guilty pleasure music.

I know somewhere in that iPod you have some spectacular secrets. A little Trixter? Maybe some Suicidal Tendencies? Barry Manilow or Slayer?

Give me your best kept music secrets that no one would believe.

Update: I have since raided the office vending machine and buried myself in Lay's potato chips and Tastykakes.

435PM EST, God Knows What In L.A.

Excellent topic, Sir Genius. I'm the king of the lame brush with fame. I
could list 15 or more, but we'll stick with the "high" lights.

5. I have been on both Greed and Scrabble, and am therefore intimately
involved with Chuck Woolery, whose head is the size of a statue on Easter
Island.

4. Barry Sobel, at the
time a stand-up comedian of some repute (think those Showtime comedy
specials from the 80s) and later to star in a "Revenge of the Nerds" sequel
and the Sherman Helmsley vehicle "227" once gave me a ride home in his Volvo
station wagon.

3. ESPN NBA analyst Marc Stein is a good friend of mine

2. During my sophomore year at San Diego State, our intramural basketball
team took on Sigma Chi, who, it was rumored, had secured the services of a
ringer, a Brother from another chapter who was now doing graduate work at
SDSU. The ringer was Reed Gettys, aka the only white guy on Houtson's Phi
Slamma Jamma teams.

1. I met Todd Bridges at a party in The Valley in 1993. Nobody got stabbed
with a phillips screwdriver that I recall.

Here's one for y'all. What's the greatest sporting event you've personally
attended?

In the summer of World Cup '94, I saw the nascent US team--in their
gawd-awful "denim" kit--beat pre-tourney favorite Colombia 2-1 in a
sweltering Rose Bowl. An upset of epic and surprising proportions that had
me on the brink of both euphoria and agony for the entire second half. The
energy was unbelievable and the result had me shaking my head for days
afterward. Every roar felt like a deep rumnbling that began in the
foundation of the stadium and steadily built, like those THX surround sound
demonstrations in movie theaters. I'd never experienced anything like that
in America where soccer, long my favorite sport, was involved. In addition,
my companion for the game was a young Friend au pair I had recently met and
we spent about 5 hours in Pasadena bars after the game getting (further)
ripped as the victory party raged all around us. I have to tell you, you
have not lived until you've drunkenly attempted to explain the sacrifice fly
rule (the Dodgers were ont he big screen) to a girl who doesn't speak much
English.

the (foot)ball is in your court.

510PM, It's Al Again

To answer lil Joey Speakers question. What's the greatest sporting event you've personally attended?

My knee jerk reaction is to say a game a attended during the 1980 World Series when the Phillies beat the hemmorhoid kids from Kansas City. But I was way too young to appreciate it and I wasn't there for the final game. So the greatest sporting event I ever personally attended would have to be the 2003 NCAA Men's Basketball Championships.

This weekend rocked for several reasons, most importantly that it was held in New Orleans that year. My town. Second, the entire weekend was absolutely dead friggin' free. Somehow I managed to win a drawing at the Boathouse for the trip which included airfare, hotel in the French Quarter, luxory box seats for both days, and some walking around cash. Not a bad deal.

And there was some basketball. Marquette was staying in our hotel and they were having one hell of a time. Texas was the only number 1 seed to make the Final Four. Neither was a factor. Kansas and Syracuse battled in a great game that was decided by Kansas' inability to hit a free throw. I was stunned at the spectacle of holding a basketball game in a montrous indoor football arena. Each school's section was seperated and I was lucky enough to have the Kansas supporters directly under our seats in the box area. I got great joy out of flounting my fridge full of free beer when they were unable to partake in any alcoholic activies.

The dear and patient wife is from upstate NY so much partying was done after Syracuse won. I imagine much partying would have been done even if they lost, this was New Orleans.

It was one hell of a sporting event.

By the way, I'm leaving for the bar. The rest of this will be done while Dr. Pauly-style live blogging occurs from the bar.

Cheers to BG and Joe.

515PM, And We're On Fire

Gentlemen and Such,

I have not one but two questions to attempt to answer here, which sets the level of difficulty in this reply "email" at a solid 4.4. I fully anticipate that once I finish with whatever inanity I choose to open this correspondence, I will prove that I am up to said challenge and shall provide a not-concise but still entertaining gallop through the hedges in my head for your drunk-ass Wednesday night ocular pleasures.

It's been a long day so far... I didn't play the Double Stacks on Full Tilt Poker like I had wanted, and instead kicked around a whole bunch of Dylan / The Band / Van Morrison on the iPod and lamented my inability to write stuff that fucking good. Van Morrison particularly, damn near everything he does on Astral Weeks sounds completely improvised and effortless.

If I could steal anyone's talent at the peak of said powers, I would seriously have to consider Van Morrison in the Astral Weeks period. He didn't play an instrument (I don't think), but fuck if he couldn't sing and write like a motherfucker. Makes me not want to write at all, there's such a beautiful economy in his songs I can barely stand it.

Anyway, you wanted to talk music so let's rock (ha. ha. ha.). I must qualify the definition of "guilty pleasure," as some people interpret that as "embarrassing," and I'm not embarrassed to have any of this shit in full rotation. Not at all. Still, I can throw a few things against the wall...

"Guilty Pleasures" Found On BG's iPod

· I currently have four TV theme songs in rotation. They include the Quincy Jones theme for Sanford & Son, the theme from Taxi ("Angela" by Bob James), the :48 seconds of funk that is the theme from Barney Miller and the John Sebastian-penned introduction to Welcome Back Kotter (which oddly just popped on the shuffle). I don't find any of the above truly embarrassing.

· I think John Sebastian is a hell of a good songwriter, and I've got both his other huge hits, "Summer In The City" and "What A Day For A Daydream" rolling around.

· Linda Ronstadt's Stone Ponies doing "A Different Drum" is pretty close to what you're looking for, but it's still a damn good song.

· I have a ton of Xmas music, but that only gets loaded in December. I also have more Ghostface Killah than any white kid (Bob excluded) should have.

· One of the most beautiful songs ever written, in my humble opinion, is "The Rainbow Connection." Instead of Kermit's version, I have Willie Nelson's.

· Guilty pleasure? Capone N Noreaga's "Top of New York (T.O.N.Y.)," which features the chorus "T.O.N.Y. / Invade N.Y. / Multiply, Kill a Cop / Me and You / You Got Beef, I Got Beef" Totally nonsensical, but I dig it for obvious (to those who know me) reasons.

· Other borderline cuts on here for good reasons include Chad & Jeremy's "Summer Song" (currently in rotation on ESPN's new cell phone commercial) from the movie Rushmore, Getz/Gilberto doing "Girl From Ipanema"*, an entire album from someone who calls himself "Dreddy Kreuger," "This is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan (it, uh, came with the iPod?), and the terrible but catchy "I Got Five On It" by the Luniz. If anyone has the similarly craptacular "First of the Month" by Bone Thugs N Harmony, I'd appreciate you sending it along. There has never (in my humble opinion) been a better ode to the excitement of receiving one's welfare check that's ever been written. Period, point blank.

*True story about "The Girl From Ipanema..." THG was over playing poker and I had my "poker mix" playlist going (recognizable stuff, not much hip-hop besides Snoop) and "...Ipanema" comes on. THG quipped, "That was 'The Girl from Ipanema' here on NPR, next up we'll be playing 'The In Crowd.'" I said, "Oh, that one's on here too." before I realized he was having a little fun at my expense. Bastard.

We also were going to do a little bit about sports, and what was the greatest game, and I know I had written about this one before:

When I lived in the Detroit metro area, I had a guy. He was the guy you went to if you needed anything. At the tail end of the 1997 season, Barry Sanders was threatening the 2,000 yard barrier. So with the Jets visiting the Lions in week 17, I called my guy and asked him to keep a lookout for tickets.

Sunday, 1230PM, 30 minutes to kickoff and I get the call. “Hey, I got two from a season ticket holder, face value – want em?” Hell yeah I do. I grabbed my boy Stinky, who was “on call” in case I landed the tix, and we hustled over to my guy’s house to pick them up.

We didn’t get to the stadium until about 130PM, and we didn’t get seated until close to 2. No matter, it was something like 6-3 at the half, and we didn’t miss much. But oh my god were our seats amazing! 45 yard line, 38 rows up. Perfect. Not too close, not too far.

Four major events happened in the second half. One, a guy in our section (about 20 rows down) had a heart attack and had to be attended to by paramedics. Two, Reggie Brown suffered his near-paralysis neck injury, which ended his career. I’ve never heard 70,000 people hold their breath at the same time before this day. Three, Bryant Westbrook intercepted a ball in the endzone while blatantly laying on his back with his helmet and shoulders fully out of bounds. This was one year before replay. And four, Barry broke 2,000.

He broke it in the fourth quarter on a one yard dive with a generous spot. As if putting an exclamation mark on the season, he broke the very next play for 60 some yards and was caught inside the five yard line.

Barry was caught from behind more than most backs his size. Great east/west speed, but wasn’t a north/south burner.

Greatest game I ever saw live. And I maintain to this day that Barry Sanders is actually marginally underrated in the history of the game. I think football, more so than any other sport, is so much a team game that it’s nearly impossible for one player (short of Ray Lewis) to take a team on his shoulders and win a championship all by himself. And that’s the knock on Barry – no championships. Well, that and the negative yardage, which is a nitpicking load of crap.

Okay, so I know I have to throw something back so how about this... You can go to any single point in history to be a fly on the wall. No participation, just observation. When/where/what do you choose to visit?

Mine later, this portion of the post has become oppressively long as it is. Then again, I could try saying things in 750 words or less...

Nah.

Good drinking to you both,

B.Gza, Esq.

7PM EST, Mr. Speaker To The Mic

Mr. Oliveri and Reverend Hang,

Serendipity has smiled up me again as Barry Sobel and George Brett's
hemorrhoids have been referenced in a single post. Sobel's signature routine
poked fun at Howard Cosell and his frequent mentions of Brett's swollen and
inflamed anus during that '80 Series. Instead of Geroge Brett, the player
was the fictitious Buck Jackson and his condition was not hemmies but that
his mother just died. So, Sobel, in a Cosell voice, would say things like,
"The crowd is on the edge of their seats. But Buck Jackson's mother is
isn't. because she's dead!" Or, "This game is topsy-turvey, turvey-topsy,
topsy or turvey, turvey or topsey. Or topsey? AUTOPSY! Buck Jackson's mother
recently needed an autopsy!"

And, uh, so on...I recall it being funny at the time.

Moving on...

Songs I have on my iPod that some pople might feel guilty about having:

Styx and Journey. Same vein, and both are from Greatest Hits Collections, so
I've got the biggies here (yes, including Mr. Roboto). The best part is some
of the Journey stuff is live, including "Separate Ways" in Tokyo, which
features Steve Perry screaming hilariously in Japanese at the end of the
song. Gets me every time.

Body Count.

Goddamn what a brother gotta do
to get a message through
to the red, white and blue?

Dishwalla. I don't know what it is about these guys, but I like it.
Intellectually, I can analyze it, break it down, and the only safe
conclusion is that they suck. They're the type of band that paved the way
for things like Creed to exist. Yet, there they are.

"Judgement Night" soundtrack, an early Anthrax-Public Enemy-inspired melding
of rock and rap. Mudhoney and Sir Mix-a-Lot? Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill?
Helmet and House of Pain? Brilliance.

As for the history question, I'm gonna totally cop-out. Nothing has jumped
out at me, nothing that moves me to write with a spiritual fervor, so
anything I pick will come out trite. I would have liked to hear Frederick
Douglass orate; I would have liked to been in that tiny arena in Lake Placid
in 1980; I would have liked to have hung out in North Beach when the beats
were layin' down the truth; I'd have liked to see Rommel work. I would have
liked to have spent 3 weeks with Kurt Cobain in April of 1994; I would have
liked to have heard Paulina Porizkova's thought process when she decided
that "Sure, I'll sleep with Ric Okasek."

I am a simple man with simple tastes.

645PM - Al's At Home The Bar

6:45Est - Finally arrive at the bar. The parking lot was packed but the bar area is wonderfully clear so I have my 'work' area. Shots and smokes to the left, laptop to the right, bartender at the ready.

7:00Est - We're already two shots in and this could be interesting. I read BG's latest question. That's a good one. You can go to any single point in history to be a fly on the wall. No participation, just observation. When/where/what do you choose to visit?

Here we go. May have been better to have this when I wasn't sitting at the bar but here we go....

Alot of different scenarios popped into my head (and I'm going to post BigMike's thoughts at the end) but I think this is a good one.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall of the book repository when JFK was assinated. To instantly prove/disprove one of the longest standing conspiracy myths out there. How many shots did Oswald fire? Can I see the grassy knoll and is there anyone there? Did Oswald whizz in his drawers at when he killed the leader of the free world? How the hell do you load a magic bullet into a Mannlicher-Carcano rifle?

So many questions about our history could be put to rest or confirmed if I, AlCantHang, was a fly on the wall of the book repository as Lee Harvey Oswald took the life of an American President.

How's that? I can't believe I just wrote that many words without mentioning booze, boobs, or food.

Now I go and fuck up that particular streak.

7:11Est - Finished my little writeup, did another shot, waiting on BigMike's response to BG's question.

7:15Est - The last two people I took a piss next to:

The smelly guy who must have been here since 3pm
The rude guy who kept floating air biscuits without apology.

7:20Est - BigMike's response below. We do another shot in mock celebration.

Not to be mundane, but I would like to witness the Passion of Christ. Since there are no clear time parameters, I guess I should specify that I would like to be there to see if he actually rose from the dead. While this might seem an obvious choice to most of the gentle readers of this tome, I have always been genuinely curious about what really happened. I have been a devout agnostic for many years and have always wondered what actually occurred during that three day period. Did the Jews really accept full responsibility for the crucifiction of Christ? Did Pilot actually wash his hands of the affair? Was the stone moved and were the guards missing? It would be great to have an answer to these questions. Could I bring a camcorder?

Batter up!

8PM, And I'm Still Bored At Home

Joey and Captain SoCo,

I'm currently handicapping the card for Tampa Bay Downs tomorrow, and I'm either going to win or lose a great deal of money on the card. I've got a "these horses suck, why not him?" pick in the first, a horse making an aggressive class move in the second, a horse that's likely to be in double digits in the third, another who'll be around 8/1 in the fourth and a legitimate shot at a trifecta setup going into the fifth.

Don't worry Jackmama and Laoch, I'll get the picks up bright and early. Let's just say that I really really like Ms. Cimarron in the third, she's the 12 horse and hung two bullets recently. If she improves like she's primed to do, she'll run off with this in the 10/1 neighborhood.

Of course, tomorrow will probably end up being one of those days where I'll chase longshots all day long and will end up pissing $150 down the chute.

Interesting picks for the observation deck to history. I like the idea of knowing something few, if any people know about to this day. Did Oswald shoot JFK? Did Jesus rise from the dead?

Me? I want to have goosebumps run up and down my arms as I watch Miles Davis and Bill Evans put Kind of Blue together, then just savor every fucking nuance of what happened in the studio that day.

Lame, yes I know. But there has never been a cooler album ever put to wax, and I would love to have seen it in production. Especially considering that "production" in those days didn't mean "ship the DATs out to the producer to lay the beats." All those heavyweights in one room at the same time playing what you ended up hearing on the disc.

Old school, cool school.

So what is it that defines "cool?" I know cool when I see it, but I have a hard time articulating what exactly it is. So do me a favor. Tell me what symbolizes cool to you. However you want to deliver your thoughts on the subject, chew on it a bit and get back to me.

I'll start kicking that around myself.

No excuses Speaks, you're just getting out of work as I type this watching American Idol. Good luck to the ridiculously attractive Katharine McPhee, I will weep a thousand tears when she's voted off. Hopefully that won't happen for awhile.

Unbegrudgingly Yours,

Kid Smarts, aka BG Nilla Wafer

730PM Al's Been Drinking, This Should Be Good

7:30Est - Just finished reading Joe Speakerlicious' post. Nothing wrong with having Body Count on the iPod. A fine example of the mash between rock and rap. If ScubaSteve was online, I'd have him upload a song or two for the listening public.

So far we've been asked twice to use our wireless connection at the bar by the great unwashed taking up valued bar space where the wenches should be.

8:00Est - Got distracted by hot girls hitting on me at the bar. Must remember to put the wedding ring back on. Very annoying. More shots to dull the pain. BG tells me I have to wait an extra 30 minutes for his next post so he can handicap a horse race. You'd think his blog name had something to do with thoroughbred's.

8:06Est - just took me 3 minutes to finally figure out how to spell thoroughbred's

8:15Est - Attempted to dial-a-shot with JoeSpeaker. Not realizing that it was 5:15 Pacific, he's unable to drink because the train doesn't have a booze car. Can we get someone to work on that for us? Maybe Pauly while he's out here?

Big Mike is the first to call Uncle. He actually orders food. Since he's my ride home, no grief is given.

8:30Est - Just got BG's next post. So what is it that defines "cool?"

Easy question but tough to put into words.

I use the word on occasion when things start to degenerate in my lil' drinking world. "Be cool man, he's an ass just trying to get under your skin." "Dude, when ScubaSteve was ragging on the skank opening on the mic and she had no idea, that was cool"

See, too different versions of the same word.

The second instance for when something is cool.... Led Zeppelin's Bring it on Home. That's cool. All things Blues. Very cool. Getting random people that don't even know you to do shots of Southern with you. That's cool. A tiny assed bartab after a night of drinking. Definitely cool. (Steve, the bartender, just asked what I was writing about. skool)

But the important definition for me. When to BE cool. Be Fonzie. Chill. Relax. There's nothing that can move you off the mood you're currently in. For me, it's my buzz. For others, it might be the happy place they're currently in. For instance, you're in line at the market, some flaming douchebag has 4.5 million items in the express checkout lane and you need to be somewhere.

Cool out bra. It's nothing in the long run. Those extra couple of minutes won't mean that much in the end.

When BigMike and I are hanging and enjoying our buzz, we have to deal with the odd chump who wants to fuck with our good time. Be cool man, it doesn't matter. By the end of the night that guy is going be spending his time in the drunk tank, the bathroom chunking, or crying to his ex-girlfriend. As they say in Meatballs, "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!".

That would define cool for me.

It just doesn't fucking matter. Be cool.

8:45Est - That rant took longer than expected because I was interrupted by Steve the Bartender to "take care" of a problem with a guy and his wife at the end of the bar. It just doesn't matter.

Rant un-proofed.

Ship it. Bring on The Speaker!

9PM - Big Mike On The Keyboard? Funny What A Few SoCos Will Do

9:00Est - BigMike's version of 'cool'.... we're drunk.

What an interesting question. Let me tell you a story. Picture it, the dawn of time. The very first Homo Sapien has come into being thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (all praise His name). The Earth is still overrun by Monsters of all shapes and sizes. Sentience has come to the animal. He raises his head and looks around at the primordial planet sourrounding him. He looks around at his fellow great apes and realizes that he has pulled himself above the quest for daily sustenance and procreation. He looks around him and sees the lack of understanding in his less evolved fellow creatures. He realizes that within the confines of the lifetime that he has been dealt, he will be the greatest most advanced being in existence. He also realizes that he is completely alone. He will never find another who is his equal. He is a King among commoners. The most he can hope for is to help advance the general population though he could easily dominate them and lord his greatness over them. He could make his fellow creatures his servants by outwitting them and enslaving them without their knowledge. He could become a golden god. He could frighten, intimidate, and generally dominate every living being around him. He ponders his choice and realizes that a quiet, guiding influence in the backgroud would be his most productive course of action. If the road of dominance is chosen, he will be like a finger in a bucket of water. When the finger is removed, his influence will be done. So he quietly influences those around him like the fable of the warm sun versus the driving wind. That, my friends, is the origin of cool. Fast forward quadbazillions of seconds, and nothing has changed. I think cool is being in the world but not of the world without making a big deal about it. Pointing out the shortcomings of others does nothing more than advertise your own perceived inadeqacy and insecurity. Cool has nothing to do with this.
Pour me another drink, I wax poetic!

No sign of being flagged at this point

And It's Joe Speaker With The Last Word On Cool

Checking in again.

Long train ride, Tostada pizza at CPK with the family and I'm back in the game (btw, the wife would have wanted to be in Times Square on V-E Day).

The accepted social definition of cool as I've always understood it, especially here in the Capitol of the Superficial Universe is that something
"cool" can only be "cool" if it is known--and owned--by a select group of people. Once it becomes available to the population at large, it ceases to be cool (interchangeable with hip) and becomes, in fact, a target of ridicule from those who were "in" at the beginning. As far as me classifying things as cool, I'd attach that trait to cultural phenomena that rise to a certain popularity organically. Where you know the creator was simply following an inexorable path, with no interest or thought to commercial viability or personal gain, but simply to offer their inspiration to the world. It's natural. You can't fake it.

As far as cool people, Al's pretty much got it pegged. I also think I'll paraphrase Double Down: Cool is

"acting like you don't need their shit."

And that, to me, is cool. When your character supercedes your emotion. You may feel like exploding inside, but to the world around you, you're ice cold, bitches.