random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Friday, January 01, 1999

254PM, Monday � I�ll set, you spike

In what is going to either be an entertaining look inside the minds of two of your favorite bloggers, or a blatant rip-off of the Chuck Klosterman/Bill Simmons gambit from earlier this summer, welcome to the first link in a probable chain of emailed conversation between Al Can�t Hang and BG from GamblingBlues.

So, down to business.

Al,

I don�t know if I found the fact that we were married on the same day (thankfully, to different women) in 2000 ironic, coincidental, or just plain ridicul-riffic. Let�s lean towards the latter. Anyhow, I�ll give you one good story from my wedding, if you give me one good story from yours.

I�ve got a friend who happens to be black. Happens to have grown up in Detroit, and spent his whole life around black people. Terribly quiet, but thoughtful guy. He and I became friends in college, and saw each other periodically over the next few years.

Now Jay (this friend in question) didn�t grow up around white people. He went to Cass Tech High School, which is as downtown as you can get in Detroit. He shopped at the black malls, went to movies at the black theatres, and was always obviously far more comfortable around black people than he was around groups of white folks.

Which made me all the more surprised to arrive at my wedding reception and see him sitting there with his girl. I never in a million years thought he�d accept the invite, but there he was.

Now, another friend of ours from college, Mike, came out from New Jersey for the wedding too. Mike was one of my ushers, and as a guy who worked at a high level in food service had spent most of the past two days helping get our reception set up. So, coming off the bus/limo at the reception, he was already three sheets to the wind.

I saw Jay and made sure he was one of the first people I went up to greet, as there was no telling how long he was bound to stay. He was his usual quiet self, and I knew him well enough to know he felt just a little conspicuous in this crowd.

Unfortunately, Jay and his date decided to stay for dinner. I say �unfortunately,� as this was about the time Mike � drunk and stoned off his gourd � grabbed the mic to give a toast. I wish I had the transcript, but it went a little something like this:

My name is Michael, and I�m sure most of you saw me today helping you to your seats at the church. I think only a few of you saw me here, at the house, in this tent for the past two days making sure all of these appetizers, all of the liquor at the bar, all of the cups, plates, forks and knives were taken care of and all set up. But I�m done with that now, so if you have a problem with any of this, I think you can just kiss my ass.

Now, Mike�s not a real funny guy by nature, so there�s more than a few people all wide-eyed once he hit that part. After talking about me and the woman for a bit, he launches into a few �thank yous:�

I�d like to thank the bride�s parents for hosting tonight, they have a beautiful home, and it�s been a beautiful day. And also to the parents of the groom, who have always treated this Jew like one of their own. I even spent Christmas with these guys one year, and they bought me presents and everything. And I�d like to have someone who came out tonight who I haven�t seen in a long time�

I know where he�s going with this, and I look over at Jay, who has already got a terrified look on his face.

Jay, my brother, could I get you to stand up?

Jay�s mortified, I�m mortified, and Mike is obliviously wasted. He stands up and starts trying to burn a hole in the middle of Mike�s forehead with his eyes.

Everyone, this is our friend Jay, who was with us all through college. Can I get Jay a round of applause?

Everyone starts clapping, knowing the sooner they sit Jay down, the sooner the drunk guy gives up the mic. Thankfully, Mike didn�t have a whole lot left, but after getting a couple of �why did Mike single the black guy out again?� comments from around the room, I made sure to give Jay a hearty apology. Unbelievable.

I only wish my marriage would have been half as entertaining as certain parts of the wedding were.

Can you top that without telling me Lewey threw up on a bridesmaid?

[>>]posted at 5:34 PM by BG - click to email
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