random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Sunday, June 10, 2001

MTV Movie Awards Blog

I started a little late tonight, and Dave Navarro beat me to the Gallagher show joke on that dude who showed up dressed in cellophane. I guess if anyone from MTV can steal a punchline from me, I appreciate that it's a dude from Jane's Addiction.

I didn't realize until just now that Dave Chappelle's impersonation of Lil Jon was less "caricature," and more "sensitive portrayal." That's lil scary. Hey Lil Jon, say "Wha!" again. Go ahead! Ride that one trick pony!

Paris Hilton next to Suchin Pak, and I think I'm ready to call Paris out for the skank she is. I'd do Suchin if I were choosing.

Apparently we're going to be subjected to multiple previews for "Blade: Trinity" and "Alien vs. Predator" tonight. First I've heard of either movie. The "A vs P" movie seems like a good idea, but neither creature speaks English. Maybe if we're lucky they'll have Predator befriend a young boy, not unlike in "The Last Action Hero." Seemed to work there.

Scarlett Johansenn has tremendous lips. Ever so slightly thick too. Mmmm...

The kid from "Punk'd" is doing what can only be described as "flossing." I'm not even really sure what that means.

Side note to Pauly... I don't give a shit that they're fake. Scars or no scars, she's only three years off from her first topless scene. Mark my words.

"A vs. P" previews, and here's a note. If Carl Weathers and Jesse the Body couldn't handle one Predator, why are a half dozen humans getting anywhere near a platoon of those bad motherfuckers? They don't have video rental stores in your neighborhood? You know, thanks to TBS, an entire generation of our country now knows that you stay away from the dude with the sword ("Highlander") and that guy who seems to be talking to the animals ("Beastmaster"). On a side note, Marc Singer, "the Beastmaster" himself, is a cousin to director Bryan Singer of "Usual Suspects" and "X-Men" fame. Just so's you know.

Sharon Stone is a haggard old bitch. At least she got to hear Lil Jon say, "Yeeeeeaaaahhhh!"

If you're Ashlee Simpson, but not famous, still having this hot ass sister, do you worry about bringing guys home, lest they drool over your sister instead of you? Do you tickle your sister inappropriately in reality, or just in my imagination? She seems like the type of girl that gets hotter as you get to know her. Unfortunately, 36Ds and long blonde hair on your sister can be distracting.

Now a "Blade: Trinity" preview. "Wesley Snipes is... Steven Seagal as... Jean Claude Van Damme in... Blade: Trinity." Dude will never do another non-judo-chop movie again, mark my words. Soon, he'll get fat and start wearing a kimono and a ponytail. Or maybe a mullet. Even money.

Paypal me $5 tonight, and I'll make sure Brittany Murphy gets a sandwich.

Here's a sad, true fact... I could pick Farnsworth Bentley out of a lineup, and explain his fame in ten words or less. Clock's ticking my man. Get that TV time in while you can.

Question for you... Tom Cruise is onsite. Probably the biggest box office champ at the Movie Awards. With the demographic not really skewing to "Eyes Wide Shut" or "Vanilla Sky" on this channel, who do you think gets bigger screams and wails from the crowd... Lil Jon or Cruise? By the way, Lil Jon managed to sneak in a few more "Whats!" in at the end. Good for him. Aim high.

Vince Vaughan and Ben Stiller are geniuses. Vaughan is an underrated comedic actor. They're pitching a Lord of the Rings Trilogy Sequel set of movies to Peter Jackson. Of course, I could have written this script. "But what if it wasn't?" "It was." "You teased us like an eleven year old on the bus." Good stuff.

This monologue of Lindsey Lohan's to kick off the show is pretty terrible. Couldn't they just put her in a wet t-shirt and have her spend three to five minutes trying to touch her elbows behind her back? Is this too much to ask? OK, wait, she's shaking it now. I'm feeling a little better about things. Stupid MTV, however, is responsible for the camera style of cut-every-quarter-second-to-another-angle, thereby rendering all potential jiggle shots completely obscured. why do they continue to deny my statutory urges?

Tom Cruise, by the way, gets to present the first award. Presumably, that's to insure he beats the traffic home. I don't know that I'd want to be stuck backstage with D12 either. Jamie Foxx is wearing a Richard Pryor t-shirt, and all over Louisville there are billboards with a personal message from Richard Pryor urging everyone to not eat chicken from KFC, as they apparently mistreat their chickens. Now, are you going to trust a man who's too ill to eat chicken off the bone at this point of his life to tell you what you should or shouldn't be eating?

Best Female Performance went to Uma Thurman for "Kill Bill." Good stuff. Can't believe there was a Charlize Theron nomination for "Monster." Not exactly MTV fodder.

Will Ferrell as "Anchorman" Rod Burgundy. I can't wait for the movie. He's interviewing Jim Caviziel. Unfortunately, after Jiminy Glick, I'm not really sure anyone can do the mock interview with a celebrity to the same humor factor. Although the line, "You've got your Jesus powers, right?" was pretty amusing. "Is it hard to pretend you can't make every shot a hole-in-one, what with your Jesus powers?"

Thandie Newton on to present. I'm not sure there's a more underrated hot chick out there than Thandie Newton. Nice awards show banter they wrote for Vin Diesel. Couldn't they just write him something grim and directed to say? Seems to be the only way he can play a character.

Best onscreen duo, and one would hope Jack Black and the School of Rock band wins. Nope, Adam Sandler has some sort of hypnotic trance-like effect on MTV viewers. I don't get it. I'm not saying I dislike Sandler movies or anything, but when you can say that nearly every Sandler movie is "Multiple Award Winning" due to his MTV hauls year after year, there's something a little wrong.

Snoop and Paris Hilton onstage to present "Best Kiss." Who writes this banter? Owen Wilson, Carmen Electra, and Amy Smart win this one for their makeout scene in "Starsky and Hutch." Does it get any sexier than Carmen Electra? She just oozes it.

Lindsey Lohan introducing Kate Beckinsale? Is that how it happens in your dreams Pauly? Or does the lack of lingerie ruin that moment for you? Best villain from a lackluster group of nominees is Lucy Liu. She's not as hot as people think. Completely overrated. I could name a dozen hotter Asian actresses, but I'm sure none of the rest of you watch grainy Japanese porn over the Internet.

Beastie Boys are on. It's almost as ludicrous for them to use the tag "Boys" as it is for me. Mike D is really showing his age. I do love that these guys kinda went back to their roots with this single.

[>>]posted at 9:50 PM by BG - click to email
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