random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Speaking of Charity�

Speaking of charity, I�ve got a story for you� In high school, I was part of a school group that did some volunteer work. Ok, ok, it was the National Honor Society. Anyway, we got a gig answering the phones in a three hour block on the local coverage of the national Easter Seals telethon.

We got to the studio early, and I managed to scope out a seat that was pretty much in camera shot nearly the whole time the local talking heads were gabbing away. Not only that, but it was an end seat, and they talked to the person in that spot a couple of times live on the air.

So when the other group poured out, I raced over and claimed that seat as my own.

For some reason, my phone wasn�t ringing. All the other kids were picking up calls and taking donations, but I was sitting there looking bored. As we approached the start of the first live segment, I made a remark to one of the hosts that my phone wouldn�t ring. Sure enough, as they�re coming back from the national telecast, one of the hosts introduces my group and says, �and during our break, one of these young men was telling us a sad story. Why don�t you introduce us and tell us about your problem?�

You and I both know what I should have done with this moment, but I didn�t. Dammit. I played it straight.

�Diane, I�m BG, and, well, I�m sad because I�m bored. And I�m bored because my phone just won�t ring. I can�t take a pledge because no one wants to call me and donate.� I said this with the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster. I could feel every pair of eyeballs behind me rolling into the tops of their heads.

�You see folks,� Diane began, �we�ve got volunteers just like BG who donate their time and energy and just want to help these small unfortunate animals (or poor people, the tobacco lobby, the NRA, cancer victims, or whoever it is Easter Seals works for) get the help they need. I want you out there in your living rooms to dig into your pockets and help make BG�s phone ring.�

But through the whole segment, nothing.

They went to break again, and Diane came over and looked at me like I was her ticket out of this joint. �Kid, that was great.�

I hate it when they call me �Kid.�

�We�re going to come back to you right after break and I want you to give me your saddest look when I ask you if anyone�s called you yet, OK? Can you do that?�

Fucking anchor lady. Way to hit the big time, doing weekend telethon work in Salt Lake City is the last rung in the ladder before the �Today Show,� isn�t it Diane?

Still, I nodded and let her head off for maybe a donut, more makeup, a cigarette, or a quickie in the production room. Maybe all of the above.

They came back from break, and after an excruciating twenty seconds of inane anchor patter, Diane set up the next bit as if she were introducing the 3PM movie on Lifetime.

�You know Bill, we�ve met some terrific people in Channel 5�s support of and dedication to the cause we�re fighting for today. And while you certainly cannot forget about the dedicated men and women whose hard work daily with the people who fight the good fight your dollars can help support, a group that goes largely unsung are the part-time volunteers, without whom the good people at Easter Seals would certainly never survive. And we�ve got a great group today manning the phone lines from the Brighton High School Honor Society. Wave hello for the cameras guys! And if you were with us at the top of the hour, you met BG. BG is one of our volunteers today, and the reason he�s looking as sad as he is��

Cut to me looking about as fake sad as a kid on TV who�s not getting paid can look.

��is because he�s donated his time and love to the cause today, and we have yet to see his phone light up. While all his friends are busy taking pledges from your friends, co-workers, and neighbors, BG�s phone just doesn�t want to seem to ring.�

Cut to me doing an exaggerated shrug and shaking my head in resignation.

�An open phone line means there�s room for you to call. Let�s make BG�s phone ring! Only you can get up off the sofa, and call the number below. Only you can make poor BG�s phone ring.�

As if by magic, coincidence, or supernatural influence, guess what?

My phone rang.

I thought Diane was going to kiss me full on the mouth. She certainly felt responsible now for bringing this miracle to fruition, and could hardly contain the joy and ecstasy written all over her face.

For a minute there, I probably could have taken her to a back room, bent her over, and had her barking like a hyena within minutes.

Instead, I slapped both hands to my cheeks in painfully feigned amazement, and watched the little red light on my phone blink on and off. On and off. The Honor Society group broke out in spontaneous applause, and most of the cameramen and sound guys circling the stage were laughing and applauding as well.

And, for a minute, I swear I saw Diane shed a tear. She had done it. She had single-handedly saved the Easter Seals Telethon.

I picked up the handset and answered as instructed, �Easter Seals Telethon, how much would you like to donate?�

�Hey BG, this is Paul in the production booth. Grab your pencil and one of your forms and pretend to take a pledge while I talk to you. Nod if you understand what I�m asking you.�

I grabbed the pencil and stared into the light, nodding gently.

�Good� Hey, we gotta be honest with you for a second, alright kid? Now, don�t tell Diane, we do this to her every year, and it gets funnier every time. Your phone doesn�t work. You can dial out on it, you just can�t get incoming calls. For the rest of the segments, just pick up the phone and pretend to take a few calls and a few pledges, and hell, call your friends, I don�t care. Just don�t tell Diane. I�d hate to disappoint the boys up here. Got that?�

�I got it.�

�Good. Nice job today, we owe you one.�

And that�s my story about charity work.

[>>]posted at 9:25 PM by BG - click to email
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