Thursday, February 12, 2004
Breaking News!
According to Fox News, Mattel has dropped Earth shattering news…
After 43 years, Barbie and Ken have broken up.
I’m serious, go read the article.
This development certainly gives the toy’s developers some new ideas for items to add to the Barbie line, such as:
Barbie’s Drunken Night of Retribution Playset - Modeled after a trendy nightclub, this playset features new figures “Bartender Gil,” Barbie’s supportive and chubby friend “Rita,” two dozen empty Cosmopolitan glasses, and Ken’s best friend “Chip.” Playset comes complete with lockable men’s room door for Barbie’s quickie with Chip in her effort to get back at Ken.
Ken’s MidLifeCrisisMobile - Every man about town needs a smooth ride, and Ken’s no exception. This 2004 Chevrolet Corvette comes complete with built in stereo that plays nothing but old Foreigner and REO Speedwagon songs.
Barbie’s Common-Law Wife Courtroom Set - Watch Barbie take Ken for all he’s worth! 43 years waiting for her engagement ring has got to mean something, and Barbie and her lawyer “Ruth” (included), have man-hating lesbian judge “Wanda” (also included) presiding. Ken’s legal briefs sold separately.
Barbie’s Big Box of New Boyfriends - Guess who’s going to try to make Ken jealous? That’s right, it’s Barbie, back in action with the new men in her life. Watch her “accidentally” bump into Ken at the Health Club with “Rico” (included) her tennis instructor. Imagine the tension when Barbie appears at the gala ball with suave British playboy “Nigel” (also included). Watch the puzzlement creep into Ken’s eyes when he sees Barbie spoon-feeding geriatric billionaire “Edward” at what used to be their favorite restaurant. Also comes with sensitive poet “Henri” and his beret, muscle-bound beau-hunk “Larry,” and high-strung and intensely protective gun-toting police officer “Bob.”
Depressed Ken’s Bachelor Pad - Every man needs his own space, and our Ken’s no different! After finding all his earthly possessions scattered about the lawn of the Dream House, Ken is forced to pick up and start over from scratch. But not before spending some quality “Ken” time with himself! Comes complete with ratty couch, TV and remote, empty pizza boxes and beer bottles, home PC with porno, and shades permanently drawn to complete the depressed effect.
Ken and Barbie Matching Answering Machines - What would a breakup be without drunken late-night messages on each other’s answering machines? Ken is featured prominently on Barbie’s machine, with such classics as, “I’m better off without you,” and “You’re dead to me now (the “Fredo” speech).” Also on Barbie’s machine, you have chubby but supportive friend “Rita,” with various messages on the “Do you know who I saw Ken with tonight” theme. Ken’s machine begins with a slurring drunken Barbie with her 2AM call, “It’s so much better with Rico,” and the Saturday night “Do you know who I’m out with” call during her bathroom trip at dinner. Ken’s friends also appear, offering support with messages such as, “You didn’t need her anyway,” and, “None of us really liked that plastic bitch.”
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