random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Monday, May 10, 2004

NEWSFLASH: It�s cold at the North Pole

With thunderstorms raging late yesterday afternoon, and a rational fear of losing power to my apartment in the middle of cooking dinner, I decided upon a pizza last night. I grabbed my fliers, and sat down to decide upon the right scratch for my itch.

I chose the Raging Inferno pizza from a shop right down the street. It has jalapenos, banana peppers, crushed red pepper, pepperoni, sausage, and ham. I called the pizza joint, where I specified the Raging Inferno as my pizza of choice.

�Just to let you know, sir, that pizza is pretty hot.�

Really? I wouldn�t have known. Thanks for the advisory.

I know going into eating one of these pizzas with all the extra spicy accoutrements on top exactly how my next morning is going to feel.

But, to add insult to the revenge of the Raging Inferno, I�m halfway through my third sitting in the bathroom this morning, and my phone rings.

This, in and of itself, is odd as no one calls me in the evenings, let alone at 650AM. So, thank you brother-of-mine, for making me waddle all the way down the hall to my phone with my pants around my ankles just to make sure you could get your fan out of my car so you aren�t the littlest bit sweaty at work today. I would normally have to figure a phone call in the morning to be a semi-emergency, so I didn�t let the machine grab it.

By the way, after the pizza girl gave me that warning about the Raging Inferno, I did manage to flirt with her a little bit over the phone. Funny thing too, as when I showed up to get my pizza, she was all of 17, and instantly got that look of disappointment when she realized the guy she was flirting with was almost twice her age. And painfully unhip. Did I mention painfully unhip?

Bob and I stopped in to a new Mexican joint in town on Sunday to pick up lunch. The counter girl had a serious Cameron Diaz thing going on facially, but was just short and not-quite-hot enough to be within my league.

Except she was probably 20 and wearing one of those studded leather belts. And a dumbass watch with one of those four inch wide canvas bands.

When I see a girl in a studded leather belt, it just screams out �get me drunk and take me dancing.� That�s just not my kind of fun. I�ve since been trying to figure out what kind of wardrobe or fashion accessories I need to look for to find my type of woman.

Tina Fey Glasses - They give that �funky smart� look off, as well as generally advertise �I�m interesting,� and �I�m not so hot that I�m unattainable.�

Very little jewelry, subtle, and all in silver - Says to me, �I�m not distracted by shiny things,� and also, �I�m not a high maintenance woman with big money expectations.� Silver, to me, is classier than gold.

Appropriate and sensible shoes - One of my big irritations about my ex-wife was that there was not one pair of shoes outside of her sneakers that she could walk in for more than fifteen minutes without her feet hurting. I�m sure it had something to do with the fact that she was a bloated sow, but it also speaks volumes about a woman when she knows she�ll be walking the mall or an amusement park all day, and refuses to wear her most comfortable shoes for the purpose. If I�m shoveling the driveway, I�m wearing boots. If I�m running a 5K (quit laughing, maybe it�ll happen someday), I�m wearing sneakers. I wear shoes that fit what I�m doing that day. I don�t think a woman needs to wear Grandma�s Easy Spirits to be comfortable, but all the same, she doesn�t need to wear $200 designer pumps to impress me either.

Collared blouses - On one end, you have standard T-shirt girls, on the other you have those scoop neck tees where you get a great shot of cleavage. Not saying I don�t enjoy that, but you put a collared dress shirt on a woman, even with jeans, and she looks professional, smart, and sensible. Three qualities I rather enjoy.

And, besides studded leather belts and stupid looking watches, here are a few wardrobe clues I look to avoid:

Anything with that Gucci beige plaid pattern - Something that was supposed to be reflective of high class just screams out to me that someone is spending money unnecessarily.

Gold jewelry, and lots of it - See above.

Concert T-shirts - These shouldn�t be worn by anyone, let alone a good-looking girl. Big huge detriment in my book if the band is one of those �The Cure,� or �Depeche Mode� type bands. They suck, and are reflective of sucky music taste. Although, this is coming from a guy who saw Jethro Tull live in 1992, so I should probably shut the hell up on this point.

Big clunky boots with a skirt - I don�t date lesbians.

Thematic wardrobe trends - �Everything I own is pink,� or �I only buy my tops from Abercrombie� is just enough to show me you�re single minded and won�t be an adaptive, accommodating person. Worse yet, those girls that only wear thrift shop retro are just too wrapped up in their ideal of funk for me to be interested.

Big gaudy nails - Fingernails are for chewing and scratching yourself. They are not canvases for artwork.

Excessive amounts of funk - Or, funk for funk�s sake. I�m really just not as hip as you. I get it. Sheesh.

[>>]posted at 4:06 PM by BG - click to email
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