Wednesday, June 16, 2004
10,947 Days
My 30th birthday is ten days away.
I’m not really sure how, or even if, I feel about that. It’s a milestone in name alone, but shouldn’t feel much different from any other day (except, of course, when you add the additional and unusual pleasure of eating lamb chops and drinking a seven year old $80 bottle of Brunello from my namesake’s Italian vineyards to the mix).
I’m not waxing nostalgic or anything here, but thought I would compile a list, albeit an incomplete one, of things that have happened to me in the last 10,947 days.
>> I brought home a five figure paycheck for one month’s work.
>> I went on a tear in the regional Quiz Bowl tournament when pop culture and sports questions confounded the eggheads from both my team and the others in the finals.
>> I got to be the kid doing the tag line on a Nickelodeon commercial.
>> I’ve made out (uh, at least) with women both far too old and definitely too young for me to date.
>> I’ve gotten laid in a bar bathroom (yes, by a girl).
>> I got fired from a summer job for causing the ruin of two cash registers and writing “BFD” on the backs of little kids’ hands.
>> I drank punch at a school dance into which I had only later found someone had peed.
>> I returned a punt in a real football game.
>> For that same team, I designed a play (QB Bootleg – is there a cooler play than a naked bootleg?) for the QB that resulted in a TD.
>> I played harmonica in a jam session.
>> I’ve lived in a house that was under police surveillance.
>> I was a single short of hitting for the cycle in my last little league game.
>> I’ve thrown out a baserunner attempting to steal second from my knees.
>> I’ve had as a friend a guy just out of prison still on his probation ankle tether.
>> I’ve dated a stripper
>> I’ve been directly responsible for the meeting of two friends who are now married.
>> I’ve shot a Russian assault rifle.
>> I’ve won money in Vegas.
>> I’ve ordered a meal at a fancy restaurant by telling the waiter to bring me whatever he thought was good.
>> I’ve beaten a kid for stealing my baseball cards.
>> I’ve seen a Neil Diamond impersonator live.
>> I’ve acted like an idiot in front of a respected poet and author.
>> I’ve had Bozo the Clown at my house for a party (not lately).
>> I’ve had wine that was older than I was.
>> I’ve cooked Thanksgiving Dinner for ten on my own.
>> I’ve shaken the hand of a jazz legend.
>> I’ve argued a speeding ticket in court.
And here are a few things that haven’t happened to me in 10,947 days:
>> Never have had a non-college one-night stand.
>> Never have hit a winner of more than $200 at the track.
>> Never have gotten past the first 200 pages of Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past.” Or, for that matter, David Foster Wallace’s “Infinite Jest.”
>> Never have revisited an old flame years later to see if the spark was still there.
>> Never have been in any show’s studio audience.
>> Never made an all-star team.
>> Never have broken a bone.
>> Never have been able to get up on water skis.
>> Never have had a blind date.
>> Never have used the Internet to find a girl.
>> Never have seen “Godfather III,” even though I’ve owned it on DVD for three years.
>> Never have picked up a girl from the bar.
>> Never have been published (in print).
>> Never have cheated on a girlfriend.
>> Never have had a pregnancy scare (with a girlfriend, naturally).
>> Never have flopped a straight or royal flush.
>> Never have had aces full cracked.
Just some things…
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