In a nutshell…
In precisely seven words, I’ll be describing…
My life’s history: “Smart kid with mayonnaise aversion, now divorced.”
My marriage: “Depressed woman buys bullshit solace from British.”
My dog: “Napoleonic Corgi can catch Frisbees, very loveable.”
My apartment: “An old oven and hot neighbor: $585.”
First impressions of Pauly: “New Yorker unable to park car efficiently.”
My unrealistic career option: “Job security, little pressure for lefty relievers.”
My current poker rut: “Scared of Limit, recklessly daring with none.”
My major faults and quirks: “Smoking, biting nails, plucking nose hair, etcetera.”
What I look like: “Take my senior picture, add forty pounds.”
What prompted the best night I ever spent naked: “Locked out? She lied to stay over.”
Typical of my ex: “Wouldn’t do it in graveyard, chickened out.”
First serious girlfriend (junior high): “Not attractive, but smart with huge rack.”
Girl who was my first: “Seemingly couldn’t have enjoyed sex any less.”
Girl who was my second: “Jewish stripper with major self-esteem issues.”
My favorite of them all: “Sexy young Hispanic restaurant hostess adored me.”
What I do for fun: “Twenty to one something other than gambling.”
One of my biggest regrets: “Courtney and her torpedo tits – no confidence.”
Of my many talents: “First to be picked for Trivial Pursuit.”
Of things I do rather poorly: “Wheels under my feet? Imbalance and ineptitude.”
What I want before I die: “Lions Super Bowl is all I ask.”