Saturday, September 25, 2004
Titanic Hits Iceberg
Couldn’t see that one coming a mile away.
You know who did surprise me when she came out though was that blonde from “Ally McBeal” and “Arrested Development.” Portia De Rossi. Yes, she’s a lesbian. Let’s all close our eyes and wax wistfully about the possibilities.
You can keep the redhead though. She’s all yours.
By the way, I’ve had about freaking enough of Sarah Jessica Parker. Between TBS shoving her old show down our throats every commercial break, and those god-awful Gap ads, I’m seeing more of her than I’d really care to right now.
She’s one of those women that other women can look at without feeling insecure that their chest isn’t big enough (it isn’t), or their fucked-up sense of fashion isn’t terrible (hint: low rise jeans are for when your hips are wider than your belly). They can admire her for whatever it is she seemingly brings to the table, which I’m not seeing, and use her as some sort of weirdo fashionatrix to follow, $300 shoes and all.
You know, $300 shoes better come with turn signals and insole mounted pedicure tools that gyroscopically keep my nails trimmed and cuticles in retreat as I walk on cushions of imported pixie dust. I expect at least that for $300.
I actually bought a pair of shoes today, my second straight pair of Clarks. I thought they were pretty cool. Of course, you know you’ve hit 30 when brown shoes become “cool.” How about this… “I thought they were very sensible, and will certainly cradle my plantar fascia injuries so I don’t develop the gout.”
Not that there’s any apparent correlation between gout and plantar fasciitis. I’m just saying. Actually, I just like typing “plantar fasciitis.” Anytime I can use a double “i” in a word, I feel that much more Nordic.
I really get a giggle on the misery of others sometimes, particularly today with the case of the Sara Lee executive who was found dead and frozen. If that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is. Here then, are some other possibilities out there that would also end up on my chuckle list of ironic deaths:
>> Founder of FedEx suffers heart attack while at cabin deep in woods at 4PM. Drives all night long to hospital in nearest town, dying just as he’s pulling into parking lot, arriving just a few minutes after 10AM.
>> Bob Vlasic, CEO of Vlasic (OK, I’m making that up), drinks himself to death. (Get it, he pickled himself)
>> Bill Gates dying when a pane of glass falls from a high window onto his head. (Windows crashing)
See, now this is my problem. I typed that last sentence at about 2PM EST on Friday, and it's 6AM Saturday before I'm able to get back to this. You're wondering where 2000 words a day have went? Oy.
So it's off today to Philly for the Bash at the Boathouse. I'll catch y'all on the other side.
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