random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Untold Stories From Bachelor Party/Wedding Weekends

It�s always a little strange to see your mom being wooed by some dude that�s not your father. I mean, they�ve been divorced for awhile now, and no one is asking her to join a convent or anything, but still. At least he�s a good guy, not that I�d figure my mom would be dating an asshole.

Anyway, the dynamic between the parents is still a little strange. It�s not strange because it�s forced with gritted teeth facetiousness. It�s strange because it�s not.

Case in point. My mom and my dad�s wife threw my brother�s wife a shower together. They co-planned the thing, and even met for dinner a couple of times to do so. Very friendly about the whole thing.

I find that strange.

My dad was introduced for the very first time to my mom�s boyfriend at the golf course last Friday. My mom and her guy acted normal, and my dad was the one that got a little distracted along the way. Then, of course, my mom was the one who insisted on having her boyfriend not only sit at the head table at the reception, but in the family pew up front in the church.

Look, I�m all for her moving on, but don�t tell me this doesn�t feel strange. It absolutely does.

Then, later at the reception, I caught them kissing.

Oy freaking vey.

I three-quarters-jokingly yelled at them to knock it off from about 100 yards away. I was baked, man. I didn't need to see that. That's my mom goddammit, keep your paws to yourself old man.

OK, I promised another "Untold Bachelor Party Story" to go along with some of this wedding crap. How about a strip club thing? We were at the Bazouki Club in Greektown, watching all the strippers get down on the side of the stage they work out on before they reach the pole across the way where they actually take their tops off. Whatever. Anyway, we saw a rag tag bunch of stripper-hot women coming and going for the whole time we were there.

Except one.

Now, I think this is endemic only in strip clubs, and maybe on cheerleader squads, but there was one girl that was the only one of the bunch that looked like a real girl. Certainly not one that would have caused a jaw dropping, neck twisting moment passing her in the mall, but one that was pleasantly attractive, and looked like she should have been teaching second graders (sans applique cat sweater) instead of grinding on a pole, but there you go. I think there were three or four of the girls on stage that would have been AAAHOOOOOOGAAAAHHH (think that wacky wolf in the old cartoons with eyes eight feet out in front of their sockets, whistling his appreciation) types in the supermarket, but in the strip club?

In the strip club, it's the "real" girl that gets me drooling. Put a 28 year old skank in a school girl shirt and skirt, and she's... well, she's a 28 year old skank in a school girl shirt and skirt. But a girl that looks like one that would have talked to you in high school (well, talked to me at least) in a strip club? C'mere and take my money honey, you're my favorite.

By the way, JH (who I nicknamed "Jonny Spermpants," only because it rhymed with his real name) agreed wholeheartedly. You just wanted to take her home and cuddle with her on the couch while watching a movie.

Except those "Lord of the Rings" movies. I'm not an elf, and this isn't middle earth dorks.

What else can I tell you about the wedding? Did I mention the 17 year old photographer's assistant? I probably shouldn't. I mean, she had everything working. For example, not only was she hot with a tremendous body, but she vaguely resembled a girl I know who I know I had no shot with due to her fervent religious beliefs, but it didn't prevent me from thinking of corruption and all the bad parts of the Bible that I'm assuming are there but I haven't read.

And lo, did Jeremiah take the concubine behind the stables and yea verily did he bend her over and make her exclaim unto the heavens the name that is our Lord

Yeah, I'm going to hell. I looked down her shirt every time I had a chance.

Jesuschrist, I could be her father. Well, had I gotten laid before turning 20.

What else, what else... Oh shit, I almost forgot this one, but I think this was only funny to me, so bear with me. Predictably, somewhere around 1030PM, my drunk-ass old man grabbed the mic from the DJ for a drunken note of thanks to the staff. Now, this is a funny part, but not the funny part. The staff of the golf course all know my dad well, he's there six days a week. Anyway, the coordinator/manager is a guy who's very much obviously gay. Or at least effette and confused. Either way. Anyway, my dad is loaded and starts trying to get P, the manager, out of the kitchen to take a bow. He's not coming out. My dad remarks, "Well, I guess he must be in the closet now, we'll get him later."

Anyway, I saw this travesty as it unfurled, and knew it was up to me to get the mic back before my dad started in with some sort of "I never liked you" speech to an aunt, or "I want another $20 a head from everyone right now" joke that wouldn't have been taken that way (trust me, something was coming). So I go up there and am yanking the mic out of his hands, and he's not letting go. Finally I tear it away, turn towards the crowd, and yell "SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!" stamping my foot on the ground, I put my arms out, and take off.

I can cross that off my "before I die" list now. I don't think anyone got it.

Shit, here's another I forgot to mention. Maybe I was on my buzz longer than I realized. So there's this kid at the wedding who's best described as a 10 year old "fancy boy." He's got this enormous head, and is extremely nattily dressed in shirt and tie, looking very much more like a "little big person" than an average 10 year old. Anyway, this song comes on (that I don't recognize) where my brother (M) and his best man are on the dance floor doing the RiverDance competition dance-off thing. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, this kid comes flying into the middle and, well, he challenges them by furiously RiverDancing his little big-headed ass off.

And he's killing them. Absolute murder. The kid is RiverDancing so hard, I half expected Michael Flatley with a contract at the end of the song.

He's rocking the house, and absolutely eating it up with this serious dance-off look on his face. Eventually, he's all alone in the circle under the strobe lights, and he's breaking it down with every goddamn dance style you've ever seen. He breaks out the lasso down on his knees, he does the splits, back to the RiverDance.

And this kid's 10 years old. With an enormous noggin.

I swear to fucking god, if the videographer got any of that, I'm passing that clip along. It was unbelievable. He'd trump that fucking Star Wars kid, but only because he was good. His three year old brother is next to him, and that was cute and all, but I'll be goddamned if this kid didn't damn near steal the whole night from the happy couple.

I'm tired just thinking about that little dude. More madness later, I'm absolutely certain...

[>>]posted at 6:42 PM by BG - click to email
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