random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Andie MacDowell can suck my balls

But BG, what�d Andie MacDowell ever do to you?

Nothing, except suck.

Andie MacDowell resides gleefully atop my list of FIVE ACTORS/ACTRESSES THAT SHOULD NEVER GET CAST IN MOVIES AGAIN.

She�s #1. #2 is Breckin Meyer, who is not funny, not charming, and too little to be a leading man or everyman. #3 is Loren Dean, who inexplicably got the lead in that terrible movie �Mumford,� which didn�t feature Andie MacDowell, but was so bad that I had to double check to make sure she wasn�t in it. Biologists have botanists on call in case they can ever prove that this guy is, in fact, made of solid teak. #4 on my list is Sean Astin, who has been trading on his genius father�s name for too many years now. Plus, he was in those terrible �I�m an elf, you have a sword, let�s go on an adventure� trilogy of movies. And #5 is Andie MacDowell.

That�s how bad I can�t stand Andie MacDowell.

By the way, yes I did just take a crap on the Tolkien trilogy. I sat through the first one because I thought I might get laid at some point. As soon as I figured out she wasn�t going to give it up, I came up with every excuse in the book not to waste eight more hours of my life with director�s cut special edition hours of boring footage restored DVD collector set viewings.

Sticking with the celebrity theme, Esquire magazine listed their �sexiest women� in their new issue. In order,

1) Angelina Jolie
2) Halle Berry
3) Britney Spears
4) Jessica Simpson
5) Beyonce
6) Charlize Theron
7) Jennifer Aniston

Really? OK, my take on each then.

Jolie: I couldn�t agree more. Easily the sexiest celebrity out there. There�s no one I would rather spend a freaky weekend with than Jolie. Yes, she scares me a bit, but that�s part of the allure.

Berry: Yes, she�s still beautiful. But can we all agree that at this point Gabrielle Union has lapped her as the most beautiful Black actress in Hollywood? Berry is edging into Michelle Pfeiffer �nice looking almost middle aged lady� territory now, which isn�t a bad place to be. It�s just that she�s not as sexy-hot as she was three to five years ago. Pre-Gabrielle.

Britney: Come on now. If it wasn�t for doing dumbass crap to keep one�s name in the media constantly, we�d have forgotten about her a long time ago. I find British soulstress Joss Stone infinitely more sexy than Spears. At least Stone has talent.*

Simpson: They�re not laughing with you honey. I�m really torn on this one. While I�d pay incredible amounts of money for a private lingerie show starring Jessica, she�d have to be limited to uttering only the following phrases: �Do you like?� (and the variant, �does daddy like?�), �This one makes me feel like a bad girl.� �Am I a bad girl?� (and adding, �tell me I�m a bad girl�), �Yes,� �Don�t stop,� �It�s so big,� �Right there,� and �Oh god.� In that scenario, maybe.

Beyonce: Every time I see this girl, she gets better looking. While it seems like she�s been in the spotlight forever, did you know she�s only 23? Wow. No complaints here.

Theron: I love the fact that she hasn�t gotten implants. She�s notoriously small-breasted, but unbelievably beautiful. I�m a big fan of natural beauty, and she�s got that in spades. Sexy? Absolutely.

Aniston: I think if I were to make a list of the 100 celebrities I�d like to sleep with, I�m pretty sure Aniston wouldn�t make that list. I�m not sure why she�s top seven anything. Seriously.

*This, of course, comes back to haunt me in the Kournikova/Finch argument that I seem to get myself into more often than I�d like. Yes, I�m a hypocrite. I don�t give a crap that Kournikova has no talent because she�s hot (and hotter than Finch by a mile). On the flip side, I don�t give a crap that Britney is hot, because she has no talent. So sue me.

So, building off of the Esquire list, I�m swapping Union in for Berry. I�m bouncing Britney and Aniston, and am torn on Simpson. Staying thematically consistent, I�ll replace Britney with Joss Stone, who�s maybe not as physically sexy as I could choose, but that voice of hers kills me. I�ll then swap Katie Holmes in for Aniston so I can stay with the �TV Actress Who Has Done One Good Movie� theme.

Unfortunately, typing the paragraph above about Jessica Simpson has fried a few mental images into my head I�m not willing to give up right now, so she stays. Frankly, reality TV and/or crappy musicianship doesn�t give me a whole lot else to choose from. Simpson (yes Jess, you are a bad girl, and daddy like) stays.

For now�

[>>]posted at 5:51 PM by BG - click to email
-----------