Monday, October 18, 2004
I’ve got magic powers
Yes, that’s right. I can turn invisible.
Unfortunately, not invisible enough to get into the girls’ locker room, but there are times where I’m convinced I’m unseen to the untrained eye.
I brought back cans to the grocery store on Saturday. If you’re not from Michigan, you probably haven’t had the pleasure of manhandling over one hundred sticky cans and bottles, and feeding them single file into the crusher for a dime apiece. Nor are you familiar with the awful odor and floor conditions of these areas.
Well, I’m at the store, feeding my cans into the crusher, and have my sweatshirt draped over the handle of the cart. This woman squeezes herself unnecessarily into the space between my cart and the wall to get another half step closer to an enormous open trash can to throw a bag away. As she pulls back from my cart, she knocks my sweatshirt onto the floor into a puddle of god knows what in the bottle room.
“Oops,” she mumbles to no one as she’s walking away.
I was fucking incredulous.
Same shopping trip, I’m coming out of an aisle (making the traffic-style wide left from the right hand side of the aisle I’m leaving - like one is supposed to), and this woman comes around the other aisle blind, wanting to make a left right into my cart. She takes a jab step forward as soon as I spot her, leaving no confusion as to whether she’s stopping. As she rounds around me, waiting patiently and smiling, I say “excuse me,” and she goes, “PMMMFFFT.”
Again, fucking incredulous.
As far as magic powers go, if this is what being invisible gets you (again, not into the girls’ locker room), then no thanks. Actually, I think that if I did have the ability to turn invisible the government would have kidnapped me and locked me up with Drew Barrymore and David Keith (or is it Keith David? I get those two confused) a long time ago. Maybe that “Flight of the Navigator” kid would be there too. That would be cool.
I remember writing something a long time ago for an Ain’t It Cool News contest. They were looking for original superhero origin stories, or more plainly, if you were a superhero, how’d you get your powers? I called mine “Flashback.” Flashback was a graduate student in chemistry who was experimenting with a potent form of LSD, something went terribly wrong in the lab, and all of the liquid acid seeped into my skin. It gave me the power to touch someone and give them a bad trip.
I thought that’d be pretty cool, so far as superheroes go.
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