random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I know, I promised�

We�ll get to the home game report from Monday night in a bit. I just want to ramble on for a couple minutes if you�ll indulge me. I know that rambling is an unusual thing for me and all, so bear with me .

I bought �Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind� on DVD on its release date a couple weeks ago, and haven�t been able to get it into the DVD player yet. If you were around in January, you might remember how fucked up that movie got me at the time. It really struck a chord with me in the sense that my marriage crumbled for some fundamentally similar reasons to the one in the movie, and that I had been waging an internal war in my head for the time since leaving her, attempting to strike the whole goddamn thing from the record, as if the relationship never happened.

So while the high-concept part of the movie certainly did appeal to me on one level, it was the way that concept played into what was the reality what was going on in Jim Carrey�s character�s head that really got to me. Would you really leave the past behind � even the good parts � if given the opportunity? Are the shortcomings in your life and in her life too large to overcome why you two are together in the first place? Is there any reality in a phrase like �meant to be?�

That last question is the one that I came back to in those few days after seeing the film. �Meant to be� was one of the ex�s favorite phrases to describe our relationship. Early on, we met each other when the timing couldn�t have been better and worse at the same time. Maybe we were meant to be together? If so, we�ll find each other again someday. When we did meet up again a couple years down the line, it was hard to ignore how ready we both were to jump feet first into each other�s lives. It certainly felt like we were meant to be together. We fell into a relationship together that skipped most of the courtship rituals and dancing around the situation. We were living together instantly and talking marriage immediately. We knew we were meant to be going in that direction.

But when things were falling apart, she changed the phrase. It became, �maybe we were just meant to be best friends.�

At bare minimum, that�s what we were. And maybe that bare minimum was all that was meant to be.

That�s what I�ve fought hard in my head and in my heart. The idea of all-or-nothing was formulated as a concrete barrier between my reality and my future, giving me a viable barrier that I built so insurmountably high that it blurred my ability to see around it to the other side. Yes, what I went through was bullshit that I didn�t deserve. No, there still is absolutely no part of me that wishes to share so much as a cup of coffee with her in the present or future. Acrimony will do that to two people, regardless of how deep the friendship may have grown.

But that fucking movie� It was like two years of therapy rolled into ninety minutes with the breakthrough percolating in my head the entire time. I never would have gotten to this point, had they not ended the movie �meeting again for the very first time.�

Somewhere between the yearning, the resentment, and the begrudging understanding, they found there was something they weren�t able to let go of.

I�m still trying to figure out for myself what that something is, and whether or not it�s worth holding on to.

The funny thing is, I still get the �maybe we were just meant to be friends� thing from the ex. Again, I wouldn�t trust her to watch my dog, let alone try to rebuild a friendship that was completely ruined, but I still wonder if she was right. I�m mad as fuck at her about what happened to our marriage, but I know I�m also more than a little mad at myself for tossing the friendship away too.

Again, not that it was salvageable. I don�t have many close friends though. Very few that I trust and fewer I trust absolutely. And maybe the pressure to continue hurtling a relationship further and further along turned a �meant to be� into a �might as well� that just didn�t work out that well. I�m really just about as pissed off about losing a best friend as I am about the cheating and other bullshit.

So why does this come up today? Well, I had a dream last night that actually had me angry upon awakening. I met her again, but for the very first time. We fell into each other instantly, laying together, twisted together, simply just talking to each other.

I leaned over to kiss her and was rebuffed with a smile. Softly, �I can�t� I�m leaving � but you knew that.� I nodded and took the opportunity to soak in what was there in those last moments together.

And she was gone.

And I woke up.

And I�m shaking my head at six in the morning that even in dreams I am left alone again. That what was unique and special and intense didn�t seem to matter.

But it does matter. And that�s why I wanted to write about this today. Moments like those aren�t �meant to be,� they simply are. They happen. Moments like these don�t exist as credits and debits, accounting for a sum total of value for the people in your life. What is unique and special and intense lives only in these moments. It�s up to you to decide if and how you want to remember these real and honest times you spent with someone.

I�ve put them away for too long. I�ve been bitter, and still am. What I dealt with was unfair and prolonged, and I didn�t deserve it. No one does. But while I can use that time of my life to justify ending a marriage and destroying a friendship, I realize that I can also remember what was good. One thing doesn�t necessarily have anything to do with the other.

And so while I am rather obviously just a bit wistful today, I�m also just a bit angry today too. I really have spent too much energy trying to push whatever warmth and happiness I may have been able to dredge from my relationship with her back to the corners of my mind to ensure that I stayed bitter and vigilant.

For the first time in a long time today, I am taking those moments off the shelf, dusting them off, and reconsidering my recent past on slightly different terms. And it really does feel rather good.

[>>]posted at 5:53 PM by BG - click to email
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