$35 on the Preakness

$2 Trifecta with Smarty Jones/Eddington in Win/Place (boxed), and Imperialism, Lion Heart, Borrego, and Rock Hard Ten boxed in Show. ($16 total)

$2 to win on Sir Shackleton and Little Matth Man (ludicrous odds, what if something stupid happens? - $4 total)

$5 WPS on Eddington ($15 total)

Go Eddington!

My Preakness Breakdown

Alright, betting time... The Cliff's Edge has been (unsurprisingly) scratched. Little Matth Man, Song of the Sword, Sir Shackleton, and Water Cannon are not worth a look at any price.

That leaves Lion Heart, Borrego, Imperialism, Smarty Jones, Eddington, and Rock Hard Ten.

Boxing them all in a $1 trifecta would cost $120. No sense in that, as a Win or Place by Smarty Jones will bring the payouts way, way down.

So, gotta make a decision as to who I like here...

You flat out cannot leave Smarty Jones out of the equation. As I mentioned, on the off chance that his odds close north of 7/2, I'll gladly play a WPS bet on him. I just can't do that at 2/1 or 8/5, which is the more likely scenario.

I'm really torn on the three other Derby horses, Lion Heart, Borrego, and Imperialism. Lion Heart gave so much in his effort in the Derby, I'd be surprised if he has a lot left. Imperialism ran a beautiful race, but had to come around the last turn six wide just to find room to factor. That isn't easy, nor is it anything less than tiring. Borrego is a better horse than what his Derby line shows. Any other race than the Derby, if I saw his PPs, I'd be throwing that last race out the window as an aberration.

Can Lion Heart duplicate his Derby performance? I'm thinking it's unlikely, as he'll have Sir Shackleton and Water Cannon pressing him, and that will lend to quicker early fractions for a tired horse.

Can Imperialism get a better trip this time and factor again? Maybe. But he's only had two weeks of rest. I'm expecting a slight regression. As a matter of fact, I'm betting on it.

Can Borrego factor? I'm figuring that of the three Derby horses besides the favorite, here is your best chance to find a player in your exotics. He wasn't pressed, and didn't seem to expend his energy unnecessarily when his jockey knew that contending wasn't in the cards. And he's still a very capable horse. Winner? I don't think so. But a horse to add to the exotics at minimum.

I like Eddington and Rock Hard Ten quite a bit, if only for the "tanned, rested, and ready" factor. RHT less so than Eddington, but I still like them both in exotics.

And, of course, you're stupid to leave Smarty Jones out of your plays as well.

Key Smarty Jones in three trifecta wheels - in Win, Place, and Show - surrounded by Eddington, Rock Hard Ten, and Borrego. That's $18, your value suggestion. Throw Imperialism in there with the group for a $36 spend.

Play Smarty Jones WPS at 7/2 or better. Play Eddington, Rock Hard Ten, or Borrego for WPS bets at 10/1 or better if you'd like.

Good luck!

Beep

Inspired by my last post, I just streamlined my voicemail's outgoing message:

"Please press one to get to the beep. You've reached BG with XYZ Services onsite at ABC in Michigan. I am in the office today, please leave your name and number, I do my best to return each call by the end of the same business day."

Just doing my part to make this world just a little bit better.

Ticking away, the moments that make up the dull day…

As each day passes, and I’m on the phone more and more, I am really getting more and more perturbed over the structure and use of voice mail in business.

Why is it necessary to have a voicemail message as long as this one:

”You’ve reached the voicemail of John Doe, Program Manager for the Ford Business Unit at Tier One Auto Company. Today is May 14th, and I am in the office today, but away from my desk or on the phone at this time. Please leave your name and number after the tone and I will do my best to return every call by the end of the same business day. Thank you and have a great day.”

It’s insane when you add to that the voice mail instructions that the phone system pre-loads before the beep.

Short Version: “Begin speaking at the tone. When finished, either hang up, or press pound for more options.” Long Version: “Begin speaking at the tone. When you have finished recording, you may either hang up, or press pound for more options. Begin speaking at the tone.”

All told, that’s thirty or more seconds of crap that you’re forced to sit through, unless you know which button this particular phone system has programmed to be its “skip me to the beep” button.

If sitting through the crap is frustrating, try hitting the “#” key, only to land yourself in the phone mail’s mailbox system instead of at the beep. That just means that you have to call back and patiently sit through that thirty seconds of hell to leave a message.

Let’s assume that I’m making twelve calls a day at work (and that’s conservative) where I’m sitting through 20 seconds of unnecessary phone mail fodder. That’s a 30 second wait for the beep when 10 seconds would have done just as well.

There are 52 weeks in the year, which gives us 260 weekdays. Subtract eight holiday days, ten vacation days, and five sick days, and you are left with 237 days in the office sitting through twelve calls with 20 seconds of unnecessary phone mail fodder.

I spend nearly two full working days (15.8 hours) out of my year listening to extra crap beyond “This is Bob, leave me a message…BEEP.”

Something has got to be done about this.

Unreal...

Party Poker 0.50/1 Hold'em (10 handed)

Preflop: BG is SB with 9h, 8d.
UTG folds, UTG+1 folds, UTG+2 folds, MP1 calls, MP2 folds, MP3 calls, CO folds, Button (GuyOnRight) calls, BG completes, BB (GuyOnLeft) checks.

Flop: (5 SB) 6h, Jc, Td (5 players)
BG bets, GuyOnLeft calls, MP1 raises, MP3 folds, GuyOnRight calls, BG 3-bets, GuyOnLeft calls, MP1 calls, GuyOnRight calls.

Turn: (8.50 BB) Qd (4 players)
BG bets, GuyOnLeft raises, MP1 folds, GuyOnRight 3-bets, BG caps, GuyOnLeft calls, GuyOnRight calls.

River: (20.50 BB) 5s (3 players)
BG bets, GuyOnLeft calls, GuyOnRight raises, BG 3-bets, GuyOnLeft calls, GuyOnRight calls.

Final Pot: 29.50 BB

Results below:
BG shows 9h 8d (straight, queen high).
GuyOnLeft shows 9c 8c (straight, queen high).
GuyOnRight shows 8h 9s (straight, queen high).
Outcome: GuyOnRight wins 9.83 BB. BG wins 9.83 BB. GuyOnLeft wins 9.83 BB.

Preakness Past Performances Here

What I think I think about the Preakness Stakes this Saturday...

1.Lion Heart – Did exactly what I thought he would in the Derby, which was set the early pace at reasonable fractions and get passed at least once, but not three times, in the stretch to lose but still hit the board. Will 1/16 less in distance help him out? How about a presumably fast track? Actually, I think what hurts Lion Heart in this race is having another speed horse, Sir Shackleton in the race. Running the two longest races of your life two weeks apart (20+ day breaks in between previous races), this time with early foot alongside spells exhaustion. Despite a good trip at Churchill, I'll be surprised and impressed if Lion Heart can factor.

2.Borrego - My dark horse finished a disappointing 10th by 16 lengths in the Derby. That being said, it was on a terrible track at what in Borrego's career is an unusually slow pace. The Beyers for the Derby were atrociously low. $4,000 claiming level low. Blame the surface and the tight pack of colts trying to contend for that problem. I might play this horse north of 15/1, but he's not fresh, and were I his trainer I would have skipped this race for the more lightly contested Belmont in three weeks.

3.Little Matth Man - Nilla please. Don't waste your money. This horse took four tries to break its maiden. He did, however, lose a race to Scary Bob, who I swear Bob had money on in the November 28th race at Aqueduct they contested. I only wish Scary Bob was in this race instead of Little Matth Man.

4.The Cliff's Edge - Would you bet on the Dolphins to cover the spread if Ricky Williams had hamstring problems? I didn't think so. Cliff's got foot problems. Yeah, that's good. They should probably scratch him rather than running him again after the short Derby layoff. At full strength, I'd seriously consider. Maybe an exotics play if he runs, which I don't think is likely.

5.Song Of The Sword - I said in my Derby preview, “inexperienced, only 2 GS with no wins, has regressed in his last two.” Make that last three. He was 11th in the Derby. That's progress? If I didn't like him then, I like him less now.

6.Sir Shackleton - I get the impression he might be here to tire Lion Heart out and bring the pace to enough of a crawl after three quarters to allow a mid pace plodder like the also Nick Zito-trained The Cliff's Edge more of a chance to factor. I never like a horse in his first move up in significant distance, and you're asking me my opinion on a front runner who has never ran more than one mile? Not in a million years, I won't be surprised to see him leading near the last turn, maybe even through it, but expect the class of the field to soundly pass him. No factor.

7.Smarty Jones - I really couldn't find anything beyond “is this horse for real?” to say negatively about him before the Derby. Maybe, possibly a denigration of his competition would be appropriate, but beating a 21 horse field, even with the perfect trip on an incredibly and suddenly off-track is impressive no matter who you are. He's not coming out of nowhere anymore, and he'll go off as a heavy, heavy favorite. Look, he's proved he can stay with quick early fractions, slow early fractions with improvement, or run consistent speed throughout the race. Until he comes back to earth, he's the favorite. And even with the level of competition being tougher here than in the Derby (presumably), he'll still go off really short, probably less than 2/1. I'd play him WPS north of 7/2. Anything less and I don't believe the value is there. He could always lay an egg.

8.Imperialism - “Doesn't get tempted by early speed / Has never won over one mile on dirt,” were the comments I left pre-Derby for Imperialism. He's got an impressive line from the Derby. Ten lengths back after the first quarter and six wide around the last turn, and he still manages to factor. Don't overestimate this horse however, as I read a line like that and I get tired. What about the horse? I'd have held this horse out for the Belmont as well. Solid exotics play, but I wouldn't play WPS under 10/1 on Imperialism.

9.Eddington - The first of the big two Derby non-qualifiers, along with Rock Hard Ten. Eddington ran a strong race in the Wood, finishing third, and gets another Jerry Bailey ride. Between this horse and the other well-rested big boy (RHT), I think Smarty Jones is in for a rough race. I believe he's continuing to round into form, and will continue to get better well beyond this race. As a bold prediction, I'll label Eddington my early Belmont favorite. For now, I believe he'll hit the board.

10.Rock Hard Ten - Everyone who has seen this horse in person thinks he his the equine Adonis. Perfect and huge physically, with that Mr. Prospector pedigree. Lost his only GS race by a head to Castledale in an overrated Santa Anita Derby, but the best is yet to come for this horse. He's built to go one-and-three-sixteenth. An enigma, but an intriguing enigma that will be solidly overbet at the windows. Don't play for anything less than 7/1, but hope common sense reigns supreme here, and pushes those odds up and up higher. Very much worth a play above 10/1.

11.Water Cannon - He's a Laurel/Pimlico native that took six tries to break his maiden. Nope. Not in a million dollar stakes race.

Not that you give a shit what I think, but suck it up and read on...

I haven't watched the video.

You know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about Paris Hilton (seen it, still feel dirty) or Pam and Tommy (seen it, feel woefully inadequate).

All jokes aside, you know damn well what video I'm talking about.

I don't need to see it. I don't want to see it. What happened makes me angry at a world that isn't going to change for the better regardless of our Cowboy Administration's intentions.

Iranian, Iraqi, Syrian, and Saudi children, among children in the rest of the Arab world, are not taught to be individuals. They are not taught to find their inner talents and utilize those talents to contribute to their families, their country, or the whole of the human race.

In that world, you're either born with access to the black gold, oil, or you're essentially facing a hand-to-mouth life of middling consequence. In that world, a child isn't dreaming of a way to make automobiles fly or of how to create that next great video game. They aren't spending their time or money as a person or as a society to make their own worlds better, outside of the opulence and splendor of their Taj Mahal palaces.

That society is controlled by a cabal of ridiculously rich men who are only interested in preserving their status in society in the present and for the future of their sons. Women mean nothing to them outside of possessions, and those outside their families mean even less. Pawns. Grunt labor.

Western thought, American mentality, is more dangerous to these power-drunk cabals than a few million Jews on a few hundred square miles of semi-fertile desert.

This may not be a thought you agree with if you're swallowing everything the media feeds you, but Osama Bin Laden's capture and public execution solves exactly ZERO of our problems. Frankly, with the fetish of martyrdom that seems to siphon common sense right out of these extremists, I'm actually surprised we haven't found Osama's remains scattered across Times Square along with the bodies of dozens of Americans.

Either way, his death - at his own hands or ours - doesn't solve this problem.

Our dependence on oil is the fundamental problem. As the rest of the world continues to catch up to the American model of disposable manufacturing and continuous consumption, these families at the top of the Arab world's food chain will continue to take their pounds of flesh, and keep the rest of their societies in an unceasing circle of servitude.

Regardless of our government's sometimes touchy-feely foreign policy suggestions towards equal rights and societies that allow individuals to determine their own destiny, we just aren't in a position to dictate to the governments/cabals that control our country's flow of oil how they should be running their government. So they get away with it.

Women remain in their place. Men are fueled by dreams of an afterlife that promises them far greater riches than they could possibly realize while in their corporeal state in this world. They are fed stylized versions of their religion, their truth, that interpret outsiders as their enemies. This truth gives them a solution to their problem. Martyr yourself to rid the world of outsiders and you shall be rewarded.

Until the people in power do what they have the power to do with their wealth to dispel this myth and create a society based on more tenable basis for reason in their world, this mentality will not cease to exist.

And it's not likely that this is going to happen.

I really get upset at the thought that we're fighting a war here. A "fight" and a "war" have an outcome, and probably at some point a "winner." I don't think there's a damn thing we can do to make this different or better. It's such a quaint notion that we're going to "bring the people responsible for the beheading to justice." Uh huh. If they don't blow themselves up with soldiers within shrapnel distance first. Even then, prosecuting three people for the mentality of thousands is ineffective, and only continues to perpetuate the image of America as a bloated bureaucracy, not as a rational and careful nation.

In my opinion, the only things that would cure this situation (but cause new problems entirely) would be the reconditioning of the minds (brainwashing) of an entire region of people, or a worldwide ban on purchasing oil from Arabic countries.

Neither "solution" is a possibility, or even a tasteful method of handling this issue.

If oil were as useless to them as the sand they draw it out from under, they would be forced to join the world economy as a society, not just as a cabal of men with the nearly sole control of the juice that makes the world turn.

Yes, I'm angry that men could ever feel that murder is an answer to any problem. I'm frustrated that there's a belief that people take seriously that taking your own life, as long as you can take as many infidels to the grave as you can with you, is somehow noble.

But the root of this problem isn't Osama, and it isn't even really al-Qaeda. It's a world that lets these societies exist in this state without consequence to their leaders and financial executives for perpetuating these myths and keeping most of their world permanently beneath them with no opportunities to learn, think, explore, on their own.

When is an overlay not an overlay?

In horseplayer parlance, an “overlay” is when a horse is under-bet, providing a greater value in odds than what you would normally feel the horse was worth.

It’s like finding a horse “on sale,” or in poker terminology, it’s like identifying a +EV situation and attempting to capitalize.

There are many, many routes horseplayers take to identify overlays. A true handicapper will ignore morning line odds, and pour over past performances to determine where, in his opinion, the cutoff point in odds will have to be (an over/under number) to find overlay. If his established cutoff line is 4/1, and he sees 9/2 on the board, that's an overlay, and a potentially profitable opportunity.

Take the Kentucky Derby, for instance. In a race that was seemingly that wide open, it’s not hard to find value. Smarty Jones didn’t get a “Win” bet from me simply because he was priced too low in my opinion. I would have taken him at 10-1, but not at 5-1. There were probably six horses that had a good enough shot at winning that were going off north of 15-1, and I considered them overlays. They got my bets.

And, of course, the underlay, Smarty Jones, won the race.

Handicapping isn’t always about identifying the winner, it’s often about finding overlay value. A “Win” bet on Smarty Jones this weekend in the Preakness is bound to only return $.60-$1 on a $2 bet. If you feel that strongly about the horse, you’ll have to plunk down a considerable bet to make a decent profit. But if Borrego or Rock Hard Ten go off north of 10-1? That’s value.

I mentioned that there are many, many methods to finding overlay. If I don’t have past performances, or even if I do, sometimes I run the route of comparing morning line odds with the odds on the board with less than three minutes to post time. The theory is, if the morning line was low, someone thought this horse was a possible winner. If the current odds are higher? Could be worth a play.

This method has landed me huge profits in the past, but is also tricky, as in a pari-mutuel betting system, you’re at the mercy of the money and minds of your fellow gamblers.

They may see something they don’t like about the horse that the morning line guy didn’t. Or, even worse, is what happened to me last night.

Youbet.com on a Tuesday night. Tuesdays are ridiculously light as far as thoroughbred cards are concerned. At 730PM EST, there were a small handful of harness tracks running (along with Mountaineer, the track that never sleeps), and I happened upon a race at Pocono Downs with less than five minutes to post. Here’s what the board looked like:

No. – M/L – Current Odds
#1) – 2/1 – 1/9
#2) – 6/1 – 84/1
#3) – 5/1 – 99/1
#4) – 9/2 – 99/1
#5) – 7/2 – 50/1
#6) – 10/1 – 99/1
#7) – 4/1 – 34/1
#8) – 8/1 – 99/1
#9) – 12/1 – 99/1

I called Bob up immediately, waking him from a nap, to get on and put money down on this race. There’s nothing better than looking at how a solid favorite (the 1 horse) can drive up the price on the rest of his field to ridiculous levels.

And this, my friends, was ridiculous.

I put $2 to win on the 2-5 horses (and exhausted my account), and Bob went $2 WPS on the 6-9.

And we were licking our chops hoping one of these 99/1 horses crossed in first.

Again, however, we get bitten by the ugly side of the pari-mutuel system.

The first problem is that “late money” always affects the odds of the horses, even as the race is running. What you see on the TV screen isn’t precisely where those odds are. It’s more like where they were 45 seconds ago. The money bet in the last 30 seconds hasn’t even factored into the equation yet.

As a result, it’s absolutely maddening to be watching the horse you liked leave the gate at 10/1, but see odds of 7/2 recalculated as he’s rounding the home stretch in his race. It’s not an illegal thing, it’s just that the computers take 60 seconds from when the windows close to figure out exactly what the closing odds are.

The second problem, a corollary to the first, is that late money affects a lightly bet race far, far more than it would a heavily bet race. I would think that the Kentucky Derby, with $50 million dollars bet in different pools, wouldn’t have substantially different odds from one minute to the next on its field.

Pocono on a Tuesday night though?

I made the mistake of not looking at the Win betting pool prior to making my bet. According to the info on Youbet, there was less than $1000 wagered on this nine horse field in the Win pool combined. And, with most seasoned horseplayers making their wagers at the absolute last possible minute, my bets with two minutes on the clock were corrupted mightily by all the late money coming to the windows.

I watched the #4 horse, with 99/1 odds posted with one minute to post, go from 99/1 to five to freaking one on the last turn. It was like this with the entire board. All that late cash got calculated in, and all of a sudden what looked to be a tremendous overlay opportunity completely crashed around us.

That’ll teach me to play Pocono on a Tuesday night. And also to ignore the size of the betting pool when looking for overlays.

Odometer

Sometime, probably in the latter part of this evening, my counter will roll over to 10,000 visitors. That's pretty damn cool!

The Smoking Gun: Archive

David from "Real World: New Orleans" is chock full of unintentional comedy, isn't he?

Poorest Showing Ever In A Multi

I played the $9+$1 qualifier for Saturday’s big $200k Multi on PartyPoker last night. I was bounced after just a couple of orbits on a terrible, terrible misread.

I was dealt AJs, and raised 3xBB from LP. A couple chased. Flop came out A62 rainbow. I bet out 3xBB, and everyone but one folded. He cold called.

Turn was a T. No flush on the board, I’m feeling pretty good with this mess about top pair, top kicker. I check, and he comes in for 10xBB. That would leave me crippled, so I go over the top with an all-in bet, hoping to scoop right there.

He gladly called with his 66. I even hit my set on the river, but that did pair the other Ace, which gave him a boat to my measly little set. I was out 250th out of 291.

In retrospect, this would maybe have been a productive move in a standard $9/$1 multi. But the player pool on these qualifiers is a lot tighter, and I really should have laid that pair down and let him run off with that one. I was thinking middle pair or lower Ace, when in reality that 10xBB should have told me something else.

Still smarting from my wounds, I lurked long enough to grab a seat across the table from Al at a $25NL ring game. I played probably 30 or 40 minutes with Al, and both of us were slightly up when I took off. Those NL ring games are fun, but I still think I’m better off working on my patience and playing $2/$4 when my bankroll allows.

I also got on the list for the WPBT event at Pacific Poker this Sunday. I’m not really rooting for a big game (smart money says we’ll have 12-15 players), as the more quality that shows up, the less chance I’ll have to land in the money.

Tonight is the deadline for signing up, so go visit Al or Iggy to get on the list.

NEWSFLASH: It’s cold at the North Pole

With thunderstorms raging late yesterday afternoon, and a rational fear of losing power to my apartment in the middle of cooking dinner, I decided upon a pizza last night. I grabbed my fliers, and sat down to decide upon the right scratch for my itch.

I chose the Raging Inferno pizza from a shop right down the street. It has jalapenos, banana peppers, crushed red pepper, pepperoni, sausage, and ham. I called the pizza joint, where I specified the Raging Inferno as my pizza of choice.

“Just to let you know, sir, that pizza is pretty hot.”

Really? I wouldn’t have known. Thanks for the advisory.

I know going into eating one of these pizzas with all the extra spicy accoutrements on top exactly how my next morning is going to feel.

But, to add insult to the revenge of the Raging Inferno, I’m halfway through my third sitting in the bathroom this morning, and my phone rings.

This, in and of itself, is odd as no one calls me in the evenings, let alone at 650AM. So, thank you brother-of-mine, for making me waddle all the way down the hall to my phone with my pants around my ankles just to make sure you could get your fan out of my car so you aren’t the littlest bit sweaty at work today. I would normally have to figure a phone call in the morning to be a semi-emergency, so I didn’t let the machine grab it.

By the way, after the pizza girl gave me that warning about the Raging Inferno, I did manage to flirt with her a little bit over the phone. Funny thing too, as when I showed up to get my pizza, she was all of 17, and instantly got that look of disappointment when she realized the guy she was flirting with was almost twice her age. And painfully unhip. Did I mention painfully unhip?

Bob and I stopped in to a new Mexican joint in town on Sunday to pick up lunch. The counter girl had a serious Cameron Diaz thing going on facially, but was just short and not-quite-hot enough to be within my league.

Except she was probably 20 and wearing one of those studded leather belts. And a dumbass watch with one of those four inch wide canvas bands.

When I see a girl in a studded leather belt, it just screams out “get me drunk and take me dancing.” That’s just not my kind of fun. I’ve since been trying to figure out what kind of wardrobe or fashion accessories I need to look for to find my type of woman.

Tina Fey Glasses - They give that “funky smart” look off, as well as generally advertise “I’m interesting,” and “I’m not so hot that I’m unattainable.”

Very little jewelry, subtle, and all in silver - Says to me, “I’m not distracted by shiny things,” and also, “I’m not a high maintenance woman with big money expectations.” Silver, to me, is classier than gold.

Appropriate and sensible shoes - One of my big irritations about my ex-wife was that there was not one pair of shoes outside of her sneakers that she could walk in for more than fifteen minutes without her feet hurting. I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that she was a bloated sow, but it also speaks volumes about a woman when she knows she’ll be walking the mall or an amusement park all day, and refuses to wear her most comfortable shoes for the purpose. If I’m shoveling the driveway, I’m wearing boots. If I’m running a 5K (quit laughing, maybe it’ll happen someday), I’m wearing sneakers. I wear shoes that fit what I’m doing that day. I don’t think a woman needs to wear Grandma’s Easy Spirits to be comfortable, but all the same, she doesn’t need to wear $200 designer pumps to impress me either.

Collared blouses - On one end, you have standard T-shirt girls, on the other you have those scoop neck tees where you get a great shot of cleavage. Not saying I don’t enjoy that, but you put a collared dress shirt on a woman, even with jeans, and she looks professional, smart, and sensible. Three qualities I rather enjoy.

And, besides studded leather belts and stupid looking watches, here are a few wardrobe clues I look to avoid:

Anything with that Gucci beige plaid pattern - Something that was supposed to be reflective of high class just screams out to me that someone is spending money unnecessarily.

Gold jewelry, and lots of it - See above.

Concert T-shirts - These shouldn’t be worn by anyone, let alone a good-looking girl. Big huge detriment in my book if the band is one of those “The Cure,” or “Depeche Mode” type bands. They suck, and are reflective of sucky music taste. Although, this is coming from a guy who saw Jethro Tull live in 1992, so I should probably shut the hell up on this point.

Big clunky boots with a skirt - I don’t date lesbians.

Thematic wardrobe trends - “Everything I own is pink,” or “I only buy my tops from Abercrombie” is just enough to show me you’re single minded and won’t be an adaptive, accommodating person. Worse yet, those girls that only wear thrift shop retro are just too wrapped up in their ideal of funk for me to be interested.

Big gaudy nails - Fingernails are for chewing and scratching yourself. They are not canvases for artwork.

Excessive amounts of funk - Or, funk for funk’s sake. I’m really just not as hip as you. I get it. Sheesh.

All Systems Go – Vacation Weekend

Bob and I are hitting the road in the beginning of June to do the one thing that we enjoy doing more than anything:

Gambling.

Louisville, KY is the destination, with Caesars Indiana (about 20 minutes away) and Churchill Downs, the most storied horse track in America, as our points of interest.

The weekend of June 5th is the date, with Thursday the 3rd our departure for three nights in the Louisville area.

Of course, any GamblingBlues.com aficionados are more than welcome to join us for casino poker and horses. We’re possibly even looking to watch the Belmont (June 5th – third leg of the Triple Crown) from River Downs in Cincy, as it’s close to, but certainly won’t be as crowded as, Churchill Downs.

Of course, I’m looking in Iggy’s general direction here. You interested in watching two brothers piss and moan for five hours at the track when their longshot bets keep getting beaten? There will, in fact, be poker played at Caesars that evening… (and, of course, LG might be there as well)

Halverson porn

Chris, if you type “Halverson porn” into Google, you can get to my site. I actually had someone use this as a search term to land themselves here.

While I must admit I have no personal desire to see any Halverson porn personally, I do have one thing I need to get off my chest.

I’ve been playing rotten poker lately.

I know exactly what my problems have been too. First, I’ve been catching just enough on the board to see a bet or two post-flop, but not enough to stay in to showdowns. Second, I’ve been trying to bluff periodically at $1/$2. Jesus, I should know better than that. I’ve been catching second pair or bottom pair, or just have QJs with a less-than-scary board I’ve missed (338 or something), and betting out. Third? My lack of patience is killing me lately.

I grab a spot at a $1/$2 table, play for 30 minutes, go down $30, get disgusted, and log off.

Yes, yes, I know you can’t play this sort of car crash hit-and-run poker and expect to come out a winner. Frankly, you can’t even blame a bad run on bad cards because the sample size is so low.

But I’ve been getting killed. My bankroll is down nearly $200 over the past three weeks, and I need one of those semi-redeeming sessions where I can walk away up. Even if it’s $1.25 up, I need some good mojo to balance out all the bad.

I’m done complaining about the cards, because after dropping $40 on $1/$2 in a little over an hour on Sunday, I know it’s more that I’m a moron than that I’m getting bad cards.

What's wrong with people?

I'm not replying to your spam, and you know this by now.

You've been trying every trick in the book, and while I could chuckle away the subject lines that promised "horse penis penetration" or "horny milfs," I must say that you almost had me with "catholic schoolgirls in trouble."

You and I both know that tartan plaid miniskirts are pretty hot, right?

I really think you crossed the line this afternoon though. "8 holes of widows?" These poor women! Let them mourn in peace!

The Finished Product

Here, for now, is the pic of the finished product of our efforts yesterday. Neither my brother nor I are builder types, nor do we have any upholstery experience. That being said, it's sturdy, the rails are really padded nicely, and we got rave reviews from the home game players last night.

If you build it, they will play...

What will $90 and two hours of work get you?

How about a poker table?

My brother and I (my finance and logistics, his handymandedness) took the afternoon yesterday to gather the materials and slap together a 6' x 3.5' poker table. Here's a rough breakdown of the materials (and pictures will follow at some point):

Folding Table Legs ($14)
Table Top Fiberboard ($19)
Hardware (screws/staples) ($8)
Rail Planks ($8)
Fabric Store Purchases - Fleece (will replace with pool table felt at some point), Batting (for table padding), 2" thick foam (for the rails), Vinyl (for the rail coverage), Spray Adhesive (total: $53)

It turned out pretty damn nicely. We did pad the table a little too heavily, as chips were bouncing all over the place on it. We also cut the table into an octagon (8" from the corners cut a triangle out), and did the rails a little wrong as a result.

Side note to my brother - what we should have done on the rails is measured out and cut the corner pieces first, and measured up the heads and side rails to them. That would have given us more of a "one piece" look to the rail frame.

That being said, it turned out solidly, and was a nice addition to the home game last night. Too bad it's too damn heavy to take around to other games, but I can think of worse things to have in my apartment than a big immobile poker table.