random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Saturday, January 29, 2005

MuddledMindStateManifesto II

Where's My Motherfucking Movie Check

I mentioned there's a dichotomy between my feelings about this "internet celebrity" thing I alluded to before. There is absolutely a part of me that needs to mentally disconnect the fact that someone is actually reading all this to write some of the things that I have before. I need to feel like I'm shouting into the wind or locking these words up and out of anyone's view in order to get some of this crap off my chest appropriately.

I like anonymity. I crave anonymity.

But I'm also fiercely proud (if not wildly insecure at the same time) of this site, as much for what it gives me as for what I have created on it. Pauly asked me the other day why I blog. One reason is that it gives me a creative outlet that I'm really not satisfying anywhere else in my life at the moment. The other? That I'm an analytical person and I have been able to understand my life far better since putting my past into words than before. And I think that I'm able to merge those two reasons together to create some interesting content (sometimes). I'm not looking to get my ass kissed in the comments or anything, but I know that there are people out there that really (seem to) enjoy what I'm doing here.

So, despite my craving for anonymity, there's also a part of me that has a little bit of an ego about my writing. It's a small part, and it's a small ego to be sure. But I know that on my best days, I feel that I can write some pretty goddamn entertaining stuff.

That small part of me with that small ego is never satisfied. I can write better than this. I can buckle down and write a novel (not saying anyone would want to read or publish it, just a goal). I should be more "widely read" than I am. I am a top-notch blogger and deserve more.

Ahh... here we go. This is where I've been going with this. In one breath I'm telling you that I don't like having that weird feeling (no matter how infrequent) of "internet celebrity," but in the next breath I'm telling you that I feel I'm just as good a blogger as someone like Dooce, and crave that sort of attention? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Remembering the ego is, in fact, very small, and my insecurity about the quality and content of my writing is always much higher will get you through these next few paragraphs either scratching your head or more understanding of my messed up head than ever before. I'm laying eight-to-five on the former.

I'm going to admit something here that I'm not proud of. And it starts with a disclaimer: whatever it is, it's always all about me in the end. Especially pertinent in this space. In between posts about how much I hate Ohio drivers and my experiences over the weekend in the grocery store, I tend to pick at little things in my head that need either a good dislodging or just a Feng Shui move-around. And what I'm not proud of is that when I read about Otis' new gig, my first instinct wasn't to be happy or excited for him.

It was to be depressed for me.

By no means whatsoever am I saying "I deserve that," or anything of the sort. I'm just having a hard time seeing the people around me, friends both online and off, doing more interesting things than I am. When Otis said he was taking that leap, I mentally crashed for a couple of days. It's not Otis in particular, it's not that there's someone making a leap from their blog to fame and fortune (cough) when I'm not. Part of this is that I was feeling burned out and spent on my life, my job, my writing, and really the only outlet I have into which I can pour all my emotions is contained right fucking here.

I was feeling like this is all I have. And what has it gotten me? I feel like I have shed a lot of emotional blood in this webspace, and what exactly has been the point?

I felt like I should be getting something in return. I've laid myself bare on here at times, and I wasn't seeing any benefit. What was the point?

I really didn't have a good answer for that. Pauly asked what exactly I wanted in return. A book deal? I really don't fucking know sometimes. I don't think so though.

For as much as I support as I got from Otis, Pauly, Iggy, and plenty of others along the way, I am a realist that understands that I'm not good or seasoned enough to just "be a writer." Not now, at least. But I began to see the forest for the trees. It's not this, meaning my blog, that is the source of my dissatisfaction. It's this life of mine in which I am understanding that I'm not "doing" what I'm "supposed to be doing." All of this muddled mindstate mess I was focusing on just made me magnify my own problems with being so fucking sedentary in my life over these past few years.

So I'm "supposed to be" doing something else.

I want to know what that "supposed to be" thing is. I want to know that I'm pointing my life in a direction in which I'll ultimately find some semblance of satisfaction. It's not headed in that direction right now. I'm not "supposed to be" a cubicle monkey (who is?). I think I need to be paid to be creative on some level, somehow, in order to feel like I'm productive and happy. I don't know that this blog has anything to do with any sort of life-altering seismic shift, but I don't know that it doesn't either. For now, I'm going to continue to try to be the person and the writer here that I've become. Because, if in no other place in my life right now, this is where I can find a little clarity, and maybe a little bit of satisfaction.

I thought more about what I have, in fact, gotten in return from my efforts here. I have moved farther down the path towards understanding who I have become and who I want to be, and that's been incredibly valuable. I have also gained the friendship and support of a number of people across the country who I have let get to know me through these infernal ramblings of mine perhaps better than most of my "real-life" friends ever have. I wouldn't trade that for a full-time gig writing for the Sears catalog.

And I want to acknowledge that I am happy for Otis and thrilled that a very deserving person is being put in a position to do something he loves. And I hope it loves him back. This has been a temporary funk that can hopefully spur a full-time acknowledgement that there has got to be something out there that I can do to make my life more fulfilling. It's not (necessarily) what Otis, Hank, Grubby, Iggy, or Pauly are doing. It's not (necessarily) doing what my brother and his wife have done and are moving towards, along with more than a couple of my friends.

There's got to be something better, and I guess it's all on me to figure out what that "something better" is all about.

[>>]posted at 7:29 PM by BG - click to email
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