MuddledMindStateManifesto

Picasso had his blue period, I’ve got this post.

The usual blog volume has been muted lately, as I have a couple of thoughts bouncing around that I haven’t been able to articulate for a variety of reasons.

Until now. By the way, about a week ago I said there was a post I was trying to write that I kept ditching out on because it would make me look like a conceited asshole. This is going to be that post, with some other thoughts folded in for good measure.

There’s a really interesting dichotomy going on with me in regards to this community and this blog, where we came from as a group, where we’re going, and what this all “means,” if anything at all. On one hand, there’s a part of me that is astounded by and thankful for the “legitimacy” the poker blogging community has found, and what that has meant for a few of our key contributors. And on the other hand, there’s a part of me that is astounded and annoyed by the “legitimacy” the poker blogging community has found, and what that has meant for a few of our key contributors.

Confused? Me too.

Pauly’s post the other day about not wanting to read a blog unless it was reasonably well-written was a sledgehammer driven version of the message I had been trying to convey on paper here for a couple of weeks. I think he probably came off a little more abrasively than he could have in what he said, but his point wasn’t lost on me.

My version is a little different though.

I started this here blog of mine for my own reasons. Seemed like a fun thing to do, mainly. Gave me a place to “talk” when I wasn’t getting the daily dose of conversation I feel I need to keep my mind from falling into atrophy. Oddly, Iggy and I found each other at about the same time. I don’t think I was one of the first “poker blogs” he pimped, but if he’s adding links to his blogroll at the bottom as time passes, that might tell you how long I’ve been around. Through Iggy I read Pauly. Through Pauly, Al started reading me. I started reading Al. I met Pauly, then got the chance to meet Al. This same sort of series of connections introduced me to everyone you see linked over on my right hand side.

Organic. Connections were made, mutual respect was formed, friendships were born.

We were able to find voices in the chorus that sounded like our own. A lot like our own. We were fortified by, made friendships with, exchanged stories about, and were inspired by the efforts of those around us.

This community was and is our own. I’m speaking solely to a group of thirty, maybe forty of us who have become my friends, my colleagues, my enablers, my virtual and one-time real gambling circus sideshow and brothers-in-blog.

Vegas, for those of us that were there, was a chance to experience these associations in person, a weekend of solidarity organically grown from the friendships we had all grown to respect and value online.

Vegas, for better or for worse, was a gathering hurricane of anticipation and an absolute avalanche of sordid and assorted tales of anything but gambling blues for the few weeks surrounding the event.

My point is, there was a definite buzz growing out there leading up to the event, and I believe that in the weeks following that trip there was hardly a blogger involved that didn’t produce tremendously engaging content. We painted a true picture of what happened that weekend in December. In actuality and in retrospect, it all seemed larger than life.

Combine that with the larger than life actuality and day-after retrospectia* circling the “Blogger Tables” on PartyPoker, and we’ve certainly created an image – almost a group identity – as a bunch of free-wheeling, hammer swinging, poker hedonists.

*I acknowledge “retrospectia” is not a word, but I like the way that it sounds. By the way, if I want to make sure I’m using a word properly, I’ll often Google it. In this case, I wanted to find out if it was, in fact, a word. It wasn’t, but oddly enough I turn up as search result #2 of about 22.

I joke around with Al Can’t Hang and refer to him as an “Internet Celebrity.” Problem is, I’m barely kidding.

There were two events that occurred within a week of each other that really left me feeling weird about this whole thing we’ve got going on here. First, one night while sitting with about five other bloggers at a NL table on Party, there was an unrecognized name who had waited on the list for at least an hour for his seat (trust me, I was watching). Didn’t chat, nothing. I’ll give you one guess as to what happened…

…Yep, he basically played zero hands until he got the hammer, came in for a ridiculously big raise on the flop, and got everyone to fold around. He showed the cards and typed in chat, “EAT THAT YOU BLOGGERS!” before leaving.

The other happened shortly thereafter. I had written about feeling a little crappy, as had Pauly, and Iggy had mentioned his surgery. I got a comment on my blog from a name I didn’t recognize and a blog link I didn’t either. So I click over, and there’s a whole post about how Pauly and Iggy and I are all sick or injured, and that something must be going around.

I know, I know… That’s really actually quite nice of the guy to care. Really it is. But no matter how open and brutally honest I am about myself in this webspace, I am basically so utterly and freakishly shy that my first instinct tends to be, ”Do I know you? Why are you writing about me?”

Internet Celebrity Boy Genius. See, here’s where the “conceited jackass” perception is going to start. I’m uncomfortable, I admit it. While I’m absolutely proud of my blog, and feel that I have good reason to be, I find it strange and disconcerting to have people who don’t know me at all talking about me online. Stalking me (us) to the blogger table on PartyPoker. Talking on their brand new blogs about how next blogger trip to Vegas, they’re definitely going to be onboard.

”Do I know you? Why are you writing about me?”

I know I’m not alone in this feeling. I’ve talked to a few bloggers who almost resent the fact that poker blogs are sprouting up left and right out there on the landscape, and talk as if they’re part of the family. I’m not going to go so far as to say I resent these guys, but I know that my small problems of discomfort are nothing compared to what some of the more widely-read blog authors have told me. New bloggers are hitting them up for links, advice, even money. Some are stealing link lists or, as I have heard lamented, “stealing my style.” And to paraphrase someone else’s words, “I hate every time a new blogger says, ‘Oh the humanity.’ It’s so unoriginal.”

Therein lies the rub, which Pauly so delicately discussed a couple of days ago. Unoriginal. But let me reach back a few paragraphs to grab another word that I think can accompany “unoriginal” to help me make my point. Organic.

I have a great deal of respect and admiration for the bloggers I know and read, simply because it is extremely difficult to come up with something interesting enough to read on a near-daily basis. These are writers who have worked hard to create a personal and engaging diary, and are gracious enough to share what they’re thinking and learning with whoever wants to read it.

Unless a blogger steps into the fray with some obvious and nurtured talent for writing (or at least diary-keeping), it’s naturally going to take them a little while to understand what it is their blog says about them, what it is they want to say, and how best to say it on a daily basis. It took me awhile. They may find a niche, they may not. They may just scrap the thing after a few weeks or months. It’s an organic process. Find your voice, and we’ll come and read you. Have something besides hand histories and home game reports to communicate, and sooner or later people will come. And come back. I’ve never once asked anyone to advertise my website. I’ve actually turned down offers. I may not be that wildly well-read, but I do okay. The moral is, I never pushed for any of this to happen, never lobbied for inclusion in this community, and never asked anyone else for any special favors for my blog. Every friendship I’ve gained from my writing and poker play has been a completely natural occurrence.

I have something I want to say to all the new bloggers out there that is probably the most egotistical and conceited thing I’ve written in this space since I turned the “OPEN” sign on a couple Augusts ago. The thirty or forty of us that know each other, read each other, and play together all have a mutual respect for one another because of the work we’ve each done to contribute to this community as a whole. If you want to get to know Iggy, if you want to pick Hank’s brain, if you too want pieces of Pauly, bring something to the table. Be intelligent, be funny, be theoretical, whatever. Just be fucking interesting, all right? Having a blog does not make you a blogger. Having something to say might. Saying that something you want to say in an engaging fashion will. This is all I’m asking.

I understand Pauly’s frustration. Blogs are such an immediate and personal art form that to see mediocrity continue to pop up is disheartening. And it’s got to be doubly frustrating for people like Pauly, Iggy, and Hank (among others) who have dedicated their time, energy, and thoughts to creating unique and engaging content, only to see uninspiring poker blogs continue to pop up at every turn, looking for a piece of these guys somewhere along the way.

Be patient guys. Work on your content. It'll happen.

(There's more I'm going to add later, I just wanted to get this up for now)