Friday, January 14, 2005
Tinfoil Hats and Major League Baseball
What did I do?
That’s what I was left wondering a couple days ago when I checked my site stats. I got a hit from someone at CIA.gov.
Yes, I do know a couple of people who work for the Government, but not a single soul who would be visiting me from the CIA. I scrolled through my recent posts looking for anything that would resemble a flippant and sarcastic remark against the President.
Nothing. Whew.
Maybe I buried it in my archives? I was at work, and thought better about a Google or Technorati search using terms like that. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever said anything remotely inflammatory about anyone associated with the government, save the time I mentioned what I’d do to Alexandra Pelosi if given thirty two minutes, a video camera, and a tripod.
So I am forced to jump to conclusions…
Terrorists are reading my blog. You heard me Akhmed. I’m on to you. And so are the good people at CIA.gov. They’ve been tracking your footprints on the web, and have been following you looking for those super-secret code-laden websites from which you’ve been getting your instructions.
By the way? The onions are ripe and flying tonight. The infidel cabbage will drown in the sauce of the slaw with little slivers of carrot. Salt and pepper to taste.
Let me give my friends from abroad a little piece of advice. I may be a way station on your path to self-immolation and supposed martyrdom, but if I can teach you people anything, it’s this…
You can lead a semi-productive life without anger after not getting laid in high school. I swear this to be true my friends. Don’t think I’m not enamored with the idea of forty virgins as well, but getting yourself all blowed up is not the answer.
Let me be your role model. Remember that girl from eighth grade? You saw that ankle peeking out from under her burka, and just wanted to give her father all your goats right then and there for just one stolen glance under her hijab? You, my friend, are experiencing my pain. My frustration. My encouragement? Bitch about it ceaselessly. I don’t know what Allah says about this stuff, but I have to figure nowhere in the Koran it says anything like, “carry your teenage frustrations out against American infidels.”
So you didn’t get laid. Let’s talk about it. Start a blog. I’ll do my best to get the CIA off your ass if you just agree to wring your hands into inactivity instead of doing anything dangerous. Deal?
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