random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Joe Speaker is a Pussy

"I had a sneezing fit that not only woke me, but soiled my bedding to an alarming extent and I couldn't get back down." - Joe, today

Your "flu" and "sneezing fits" that awaken you from your babylike slumbers do not move me Mr. Speaker. You're heartbroken that you're too sick to smoke weed? Marginally upset that you're going to miss out on New Years shenanigans? Bah.

Shortly after Vegas I had these abdominal cramps that came at me the same time I got the flu. The flu passed, the cramps didn't. I let it ride for a few days, which turned into a week and a half, and finally went to see a doctor on Tuesday. All they could give me was a Nurse Practioner and an assurance that it was "probably a virus" and "it'll go away after a couple days."

I spent all of this week working from home. Here's the rough itinerary of my Monday-Friday:

630AM - Wake up with abdominal pain, hit the toilet, make it to the couch in a hooded sweatshirt and my flannel-lined jeans. Wrap up in a blanket, turn on TV.

830AM - Check voicemail/email. Respond to possible issues.

845AM - Fall asleep on couch.

10AM - Check voicemail/email. Respond to possible issues.

1015AM - Fall asleep on couch.

Noon - Check voicemail...

1215PM - Eat a kids' lunchbox sized tub of mandarin oranges and a tub of jello, even though I didn't feel like it.

1230PM - Fall asleep on couch.

3PM - Check voicemail...

315PM - Fall asleep on couch.

530PM - More oranges and jello, still not feeling like eating. Turn TV on.

830PM - Take Tylenol PM, asleep by 9PM

I thought I could sleep this off. I mean, the ~~Doc~~ Nurse Practioner said this would "go away," right?

So I was running the Saturday cycle of the above schedule when my mom called today wondering if she could bring me food. I told her I needed more oranges, and she said she wanted me to try and eat something substantial. Meat. Soup. Something. I told her she should cut the shit and just bring me my oranges (Okay, that's not true. I said I wasn't hungry, and that oranges were the only thing that tasted good to me - seeing as I wasn't close to running out of Jello). She comes over, I'm in my usual sweatpants/hoodie/under a blanket hookup, and she does the forehead check to see if I'm feverish.

Sure am.

So she offers to take me to the hospital. I don't even think, I just accept and off we go to the emergency room. I get blood drawn, abdominal X-rays, get an IV fun bag, more blood drawn, and have to down a fairly nasty 40 oz of "dye" to prep for the CT scan of my innards.

After nearly five hours of having my abdomen poked, pushed, imaged and scanned, I finally find out what the problem is. Let me quote from a website I found:

"Many people have small pouches in their colons that bulge outward through weak spots, like an inner tube that pokes through weak places in a tire. Each pouch is called a diverticulum. Pouches (plural) are called diverticula. The condition of having diverticula is called diverticulosis. About 10 percent of Americans over the age of 40 have diverticulosis. The condition becomes more common as people age. About half of all people over the age of 60 have diverticulosis.

When the pouches become infected or inflamed, the condition is called diverticulitis."

I wonder what percent of the people under age 40 have this problem? Here's a little more. Hope you're not eating:

The infection causing diverticulitis often clears up after a few days of treatment with antibiotics. If the condition gets worse, an abscess may form in the colon.

An abscess is an infected area with pus that may cause swelling and destroy tissue. Sometimes the infected diverticula may develop small holes, called perforations. These perforations allow pus to leak out of the colon into the abdominal area. If the abscess is small and remains in the colon, it may clear up after treatment with antibiotics. If the abscess does not clear up with antibiotics, the doctor may need to drain it.

To drain the abscess, the doctor uses a needle and a small tube called a catheter. The doctor inserts the needle through the skin and drains the fluid through the catheter. This procedure is called percutaneous catheter drainage. Sometimes surgery is needed to clean the abscess and, if necessary, remove part of the colon.

A large abscess can become a serious problem if the infection leaks out and contaminates areas outside the colon. Infection that spreads into the abdominal cavity is called peritonitis. Peritonitis requires immediate surgery to clean the abdominal cavity and remove the damaged part of the colon. Without surgery, peritonitis can be fatal."

In case you were wondering, it's unclear as to whether I have a small or large abscess. Should I require surgery? Looks like I'll spend six months with a colostomy bag. I wonder what percent of people under 80 have that problem?

Anyway, the one thing I can take from today so far is that one of the doctors in the ER spoke sincerely and glowingly - nay, almost reverentially - about my tolerance for pain after seeing my X-rays and CT scan. Apparently, this problem would have floored most mortal humans. To me, it is simply a stub of the toe.

So, I've got an abscess on my colon (not to mention fatty liver and psoriasis, the trifecta immediately qualifying me for AARP membership) and need antibiotics. No problem, right?

Wrong.

I'll be in the hospital (where I am currently) until at least Tuesday, when Monday's CT scan will show whether or not (hopefully and likely not) I will require surgery. On my colon. With the abscess.

Still sniffly Speaks?

[>>]posted at 7:52 PM by BG - click to email
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Monday, December 26, 2005

To Those Who Have Built A Poker Table...

Thanks to the generosity of one Bobby Bracelet (of whom and his "860th Best Poker Player..." mantra was recently said, "But it's not like he'd put that on his Christmas cards, right?"), I now have actual pool table felt to replace the fleece for my table.

Now, I don't want to use the same rails anymore. The current rails were 1x2 planks to which we glued foam and around which we wrapped vinyl. Comfortable, but amateurish to be sure. I want a more professional look, and I'd ideally like a rail under which I can slide a cup holder.

Who's got suggestions for where to purchase something like this?

[>>]posted at 8:28 AM by BG - click to email
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