random thoughts and thoroughbred selections

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Way Too Old For Debbie LaFave

I wonder sometimes about those people who have fetishes. They have massive mammary porn, for instance, and you know there are guys who love boobs and then there are guys that LOVE boobs. Guys who can't get enough. Guys for whom the ideal woman would be 220 lbs with 67% of that in M cups. Makes you wonder a little bit about being the object of a fetishistic pursuit...

For instance, if you make a willing choice to appeal to a fetishistic sort, that's understandable. Being heavily pierced will, naturally, appeal to someone for whom piercing is sexy. That's a given. Choosing to dip yourself in latex and popping eight inch heels on your feet while wielding a whip is a conscious lifestyle move to be sure. But that's not who I'm talking about here. I'll bet there are guys out there that can only really get it up in the presence of double amputees. When you're rolling around on that little board with wheels, using the toughened blistered skin on your knuckles to push you around, do you wonder that the guy who treats you like a queen only loves you because you have no legs?

I've got to figure Asian girls and redheads often face the same dilemma, only their stakes aren't quite so high. A semi-attractive Asian or redhead could absolutely find another man somewhere down the line if she finds her man jacking to nothing but Sailor Moon or I Love Lucy, but a double amputee? Maybe if that's you, there's a "take what I can get" mentality. At least you know you're appealing, even if it is for entirely the wrong reason.

I'm beating around the bush here... I only bring this up because this week I saw the most astonishingly oversized ass I've ever seen on a woman to this point. I've seen bigger asses, if we're just measuring pure mass (the mass of the ass... heh heh), but this ass was so disproportionately enormous in comparison to the rest of her body that I couldn't help but stare.

You had to have seen a woman before whose ass seemed to have a mind of its own. There's a horizontal plane that shelves out from the waist, and it takes on its own shape like some sort of bizarro rear-goiter that just cannot be lanced. This ass was like that, but if you injected the goiter with collagen and gave it a shape like an enormous seat cushion somehow became attached to it and hidden beneath her pants. In profile, she had to be a minimum of three and a half feet wide. Big girl to be certain, but the size of the ass was so cartoonish it made the rest of her body look less fat by comparison. There should be a picture of her in Ripley's, and now that I've seen her I have to figure these are the types of things I'd see if I ever got off that rural highway to visit one of those AMAZING MYSTERY SPOTS.

Which brings me back to my point. There's an ass fetish to be sure. Does this well-below average looking woman get attention she wouldn't if that ass was only 70% of its actual size? What happens when she dates one of these guys? Does she get treated like I'd treat a centerfold model*? Do they spend an inordinate amount of time paying tribute to the true object of their affection? And if so, how does a woman like this feel about that? We all just want to be loved for who we are, not because we've got a physical trait that our partner finds attractive, right?

*I mean "treated extraordinarily well," not "dated for a couple weeks until I talked myself into the fact that a centerfold model couldn't possibly see anything in me, thereby submarining what could be a good thing in my own head before anything really got a chance to play out." Thanks insecurities!

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong... Maybe a woman like this knows what she has to her credit, and knows how to flaunt it too. I can't claim to have been hypnotized by the passing of the ass, but since I've already wasted howmanywords on it already, there has to be something to this, right?

So, shifting gears, I got a call from our internal HR people to talk about the openings across the country last night. Thank god I didn't have that fourth Manhattan is all I've got to say. I did find a local Italian joint with a bar in which I can smoke, and to top it off? They turned on TVG for me so I could watch horse racing. Sadly, my cell phone found no signal in that dead part of rural Pennsylvania, so betting wasn't easy nor practical. The veal was good though.

Anyway, found out they're looking to pull the trigger sometime "soon," whatever that means, on Portland and Chicago. I've eliminated California for my own reasons (housing prices were one, the other was that it wasn't shaping up to be the job I thought it was). I was told by my boss and my boss' boss today to "just pick one to focus on," and assuming I don't totally blow it in the interviews (which aren't rubber stamps, by any stretch), I should be elsewhere by Memorial Day.

Excited, daunted, intrigued, all that stuff. I'd think Oregon is probably a 2/5 favorite at the post right now, with Chicago at 3/1 and Pennsylvania at 15/1. Staying in my current role leapt today to 50/1.

And last thing before I post this bitch (from the airport in Allentown, Cleveland charges for WiFi)... I know y'all have been intrigued about my "good news" I posted about a few days ago. Nice to know this hasn't gotten out of the limited circle that I've been in contact with, thanks for keeping the secret guys. I think we're close enough that I can say something now, right?

So, Saturday night starting at approximately 10PM EST, I will be onsite at the Playboy Mansion and live-blogging for a few hours. First part is a lock, the second part is extremely likely.

To pre-answer the questions you're going to post in comments...

A) No, you can't come along.

A) No, I don't need a notepad boy, nor do I need someone to hold my glasses so they don't steam up in the grotto.

A) No, I can't quite tell you how this came around or why I'm going in particular. It's about a charity and a poker tournament, and that's as far as I can go.

A) No, I won't pass any messages to "Hef" for you.

A) No, you can't come along.

A) No, it never did cross my mind that as an incredibly insecure guy, spending an entire evening partying with people who are "better than me" will be incredibly damaging to my fragile psyche.

A) No, I really can't tell you anything else for a couple of days.

A) No, I don't own a camera (really, I don't).

Let's just say I had to move land and part seas to get my schedule to agree with this opportunity, and I can't quite talk at length about this... yet. Gimme a couple of days. Until then?

Let the hating begin.

[>>]posted at 1:19 PM by BG - click to email
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