Something More Than Ten Minutes...

Hope everyone called their Senator(s) today to voice their opposition to the Goodlatte bill. I called the PPA toll-free and was connected to Senator Santorum's office, which I would only assume is staffed by minions of Satan with the pointy ears and cloven hooves and the smell of brimstone and sulfur with the tridents that poke and prod. I could swear I heard the wailing of the souls of the damned as the hellspawn staffer on the other end took down my info.

While I was on hold, all I could think about was "what if they ask me if I'd vote for Satanator Rick if he votes down the Goodlatte bill?" I mean, what do I want more - the ability to play poker or the rise of the antichrist across various Senate Subcommittees?

They let me off the hook. Thank god. Choosing between poker and Santorum is truly Sophie's Choice.

I had lunch yesterday with one of my vendors, a wonderfully attractive forty-somethingish woman who looked like a prettier Alanis Morissette with a pixie cut. Although I only let her buy me an apple and a water to go with my (usual) sandwich from home, I was happy to have the company, not to mention the street cred I should get by being seen in the lunchroom with a hottie.

Anyway, the topic turned to food, as it tends to do when I'm helping to steer the conversation, and we were talking about a particularly good local grocery store when she said, "I brought my people a tray of sandwiches on artesian bread from there once."

As if there's some well of bubbling sourdough from deep within the earth... I swear to christ I'm always thisclose to making myself look like the asshole with an ill-placed, "I think you meant artisan." Of course, I'd probably get even more technical with a reminder that a large chain of grocery stores doesn't make artisan bread. It can make good bread, or even bread with a rustic and hand-crafted style, but by definition a bread from an industrial bakery centralized for shipping to outlet locations across the region is not artisan bread.

It sure as hell ain't artesian though either.

So next week will mark the first visit in about five years for me to a therapist's office, and I'm actually looking quite forward to it. What's got me so pumped? Well, I found out that because of my prior medical bills I've reached my maximum non-copay spend for the year, which gives me twenty visits through December 31st I can make to the shrink free of charge.

Who's up for some free Freud? THIS GUY.

I've had something like nine or ten really solid good days in a row, which makes me happy. This may sound a little silly, but those two good days of almost hitting jackpots in the Pick Six with CJ really invigorated me on a couple of counts. First, it took me out of denial-mode and got me to throw a couple hundy around devil may care style. Second, the narrow misses may have been depressing to some extent, but it reaffirmed that we know what the hell we're doing with a DRF in our hands. Third - and this is the dumb part - it was great to have ten to twenty of our friends a couple days in a row putting their trust in us.

I felt more useful across those two days than I have in months.

Since then, not much has changed but I'm generally feeling pretty damn good.

One last thing... I was playing Front Office Football, which is a highly recommended football GM simulator (text based, you're not steering Jerome Bettis through the line), and started a new franchise with an all-player draft. Unfortunately, the randomization of stats led to only three top-tier QBs all going earlier than my pick, so I waited until round 29 to pick Tommy Maddox as my starter.

Ugh.

He started all 16 games in that first season and went 277-488 (56%) for 3453 yards with a 19/30 TD/INT ratio. Took a Carr-esque 44 sacks too. 66.2 QB rating.

Topping it off? I get a message after the draft the following offseason (where I picked UAB's Darnell Hackney as my QB of the future) from Tommy's agent saying, "Your QB is a number one QB in this league and demands to be paid as one."

Tommy Maddox was trying to play hardball with me.

I traded him to New Orleans (worst team in the league, even with a fresh start drafting from the total NFL player pool - go figure) for a fifth-round draft pick immediately.

I've always wanted to tell Tommy Maddox to pound sand.

Ahhh... Gameday

Opening week of the NFL season and I'm well equipped for a day of wall-to-wall football. Well, except for the lack of my Lions coming up on the tube. Jesus, of all the places I could be relocated, and it's fucking NFC/AFC East territory. I suppose that's better than landing in Dallas, but by my math that really makes a negligible difference. Dallas is on locally this afternoon, has five national games including Thanksgiving, plays the Eagles, Giants and Skins three times on non-national telecasts, and I'd bet week eleven's tilt against Indianapolis is the CBS national 1PM show. Ten fucking weeks of the Cowboys...

I'm not a fan of AFC/NFC East football. I suppose I enjoy watching the Patriots play, and I think the Giants could be entertaining, but other than that I'm shit out of luck here. I hate the Skins and Cowboys with the passion of a thousand suns, the Jets are hapless and to root for the Eagles now goes against every rule in my book regarding homerism in enemy territory.

Hey, I didn't start rooting for the fucking BYU Cougars just because I lived a little north of Provo for awhile.

The only other possibility is the steelers, and I'll choose to respect and be entertained by them rather than being the guy jumping on the bandwagon when it's now fashionable to do so.

Maybe I'll just root for Lehigh University football. I watched the first half of their game against Villanova yesterday, and any team that features a black quarterback and white runningback is alright in my book. By the way, the black quarterback? Sedale Threatt, Jr. Plays QB like you'd imagine Allen Iverson would have (except, of course, for the Division II level of talent he possesses and that surrounds him), and scrambled like a bat out of hell. Lehigh's twice as entertaining as they have any right to be.

So no Lions on TV and no cash on the games either. What's a guy supposed to do to cope?

Eat.

I went wide with my possibilities today, as the homebound buffet needs to sate me for two meals and a long afternoon of snacking. All praises due to Wegman's Market, the #1 grocery chain in America, for making this all so very easy. On the menu:

Fried chicken thighs (the most underappreciated cut in the bucket)
Lo mein noodles with teriyaki chicken
Prosciutto, Sopressetta, cheese, pepproncini and bread (duh)
Hummus and crackers*
Chips and salsa (could expand to nachos if I need an audible)
Utz Pretzels
Utz Pub Mix**
Red Bull
Yuengling Lager
Red wine (any one of my eight bottles)
Southern Comfort

*I bought some of these fucking things (crispy garlic), but had to back them up with garlic melba toast after trying them. With a name like "Kavli" I was all ready to blame the Arabs for infiltrating American grocery aisles with this insidiously uncrackerlike balsa snack, but I found out Norwegians are responsible. If I ever meet another guy named "Thor" I'm going to punch him in the crotch.

**I'm one box of TastyKakes and a cheesesteak sandwich away from running the table on the indigenous foods of the eastern Pennsylvania region.

Now, I'm not (necessarily) going to eat all this today, but I got options, and that's the important thing.

Anyway, on to my picks and predictions for today. Don't forget to set your fantasy lineups, and fade these picks immediately:

1PM Games

Baltimore @ Tampa Bay: Tampa 23 - Baltimore 13. Matt Stover's your star today, although Cadillac goes for 110 combined yards and a TD. Baltimore never gets it going on offense, but Jamal Lewis doesn't split carries either, which is good news down the road for Lewis owners.

Atlanta @ Carolina: Atlanta 26 - Carolina 24. Vick breaks the Panthers spell and throws for two TDs, the defense getting another. Carolina's D comes up with two turnovers, and Keyshawn gets his first TD in a Carolina uni, to go with seven catches.

Denver @ St. Louis: St. Louis 20 - Denver 17. Steven Jackson goes for 120 combined yards and a TD, Denver's D is the only thing that keeps this game from getting away from the Broncos. Plummer throws for 220 and two picks, and they can't find their running game at all.

Buffalo @ New England: New England 34 - Buffalo 10. Think Belicheck has a vested interest in seeing his aerial game work in the absence of Deion Branch? I'd think so. Ben Watson gets at least ten balls thrown his way, and ends up with six catches for eighty-five yards and a TD. Brady looks sharp, and Dillon runs strong. Losman shows flashes, but Buffalo can't stop the 2TE sets the Pats keep throwing his way.

Philadelphia @ Houston: Philadelphia 28 - Houston 17. Houston's going to be better than you think this year, but with an awfully green running game the Philly secondary picks Carr three times today. McNabb leads the team in rushing today, and goes for 260 and three in the air. Wali Lundy finds the bench for good by week four for the Texans after 45 yards and one lost fumble today.

New Orleans @ Cleveland: Cleveland 19 - New Orleans 17. If you started any player strapping on a gold or orange helmet not named Reuben in the northern Ohio area today, you either play in a deep league or you're obviously nuts. Brees and Horn hook up five times, despite throwing nearly fifteen balls his way into Cleveland double coverage. New Orleans signs Darius Watts or Peter Warrick on Tuesday to start opposite Horn, as Colston and Henderson prove they aren't the answer today. Droughns goes for 150 on the ground today with one score, and Charlie Frye doesn't do anything stupid. The announcers reference Katrina one hundred and seventeen times.

Seattle @ Detroit: Seattle 33 - Detroit 27. I think the spread is six, so I'm betting it's a push today. The Lions offense will be better than you think, and Kitna goes for 280 and two in his Lions debut. Roy Williams is the primary outlet, although Eddie Drummond's going to go for at least one. Shaun Alexander will score two TDs, and I'll bet you right now he takes a draw play for at least forty yards at least once today. The Lions defense gets no turnovers, one sack, and gives up nearly 500 yards.

NY Jets @ Tennessee: Tennessee 17 - NY Jets 9. Ho-hum. Kerry Collins throws for one and sends two to Jets DBs. Pennington gives two right back. Yawn.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City: Kansas City 34 - Cincinnati 30. Upset! LJ runs wild on Cincy, posting 130 with 60 receiving yards and two TDs. Carson Palmer looks good, putting up 290 and two TDs, one to Chad Johnson. Cincy's defense gives them one score, but it's not enough. Trent Green hits Gonzalez twice in the end zone and KC pulls the upset.

415PM Games

Chicago @ Green Bay: Chicago 20 - Green Bay 0. The Favre-watch begins after he throws for 160 and two picks, losing one fumble and taking at least two really awful sacks. Ahman Green runs for 60 and proves he's lost about a step and a half, opening the door for Noah Herron by week six. Chicago's offense can't get it going either, but their defense gives them good enough field position that Thomas Jones' 75 yards belies his two TDs.

Dallas @ Jacksonville: Jacksonville 27 - Dallas 13. Even with Marcus Stroud a likely scratch, Jacksonville's D gives Bledsoe all he can handle. The Cowboys will be the "what happened to them??" team by season's end, and it starts today with stuff like Jones and Barber ineffectively splitting carries and too many checkdowns by Bledsoe to Jason Witten. Leftwich posts 285 and hits Wilford for two TDs in the red zone.

San Francisco @ Arizona: Arizona 21 - San Francisco 18. Warner throws for two and Edge gets one, but the surprise of the game is Alex Smith's rapport with Antonio Bryant. Bryant gets seven catches for 110 and a TD, and the Niner offense shows signs of life.

Sunday and Monday Primetime

Indianapolis @ NY Giants: NY Giants 28 - Indianapolis 24. You'd think the media would be all over the first brother-v-brother QB matchup in league history, but to this point there's been nary a peep (rolling my eyes). Let's ignore the QBs for a sec, here's who to play: Burress for the Giants gets 110 and two TDs, Brandon Jacobs posts 45 rushing yards and one, and Shockey gets the fourth. For Indy, play Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. Harrison will get it going next week.

Minnesota @ Washington: Minnesota 10 - Washington 6. Consider any player in this game to be radioactive and just put as much distance as you can there. Brunell will be on the bench by week five.

San Diego @ Oakland: San Diego 33 - Oakland 6. No faith in the Raiders, but I've got tons of love for Phillip Rivers. He debuts strong with 275 and three, and Tomlinson racks up 175 combined with one TD. Randy Moss is more likely to get suspended for violating team rules this season than he is to collect ten TDs.

Oh, and "GO LIONS."