Wednesday, December 13, 2006
A Quick One From Saturday Night
"I bet when he was a kid, they all called him 'DickBro.'" Matty gestured over his shoulder and across the bar to the multi-millionaire with the gourmet paunch and safety goggles. "Look at him working this crew. How bad do you think he wants to get laid tonight?"
He was heavily in the ear of the third woman I'd seen him pressing in the last half hour, and she was somewhere between mildly uninterested and looking for any opening to get the hell out of there. I nodded back to Matty. "If he wasn't rich, he's not getting any at all." Even from fifteen feet you could tell his game was clumsy. Hell, even the little animated paperclip he unleashed on society has more charisma than he does.
Matty asked the obvious question. "When do you think he tells them he's loaded? That's the play, right?" I nodded again. "If I were him, I'd lead with that. That's all he's got anyway."
Cut to fifteen minutes later and DickBro has worked his way to within earshot of Matty and I, and has managed to corner Speaker's friend Dacia. Amusingly enough, he chooses this as an opening line:
"So... are you a stripper?"
Dacia was agog. Matty, Speaker and I were cracking up. She looked to Speaker for salvation, but Joe was having far too much fun watching this train wreck unravel to step on in. As DickBro continued to pepper her with questions, Joe and Matty and I looped Rachel (Mrs. Human Head) and Bob into the conversation.
"'Are you a stripper?' Who the hell opens with a line like that?" Joe couldn't have been more amused.
Rachel dropped her jaw and asked, "Oh my god. He didn't say that, did he?"
"Yeah," I piped in. "That's a hell of a backhanded compliment. You know, I bet we can do better than that. Backhanded compliments I mean." I turned to Rachel and said, "You know, whatever you're doing is working - but you should totally try sit-ups next."
Bob jumped right in too, "Your hair looks the same as it did last time I saw you. That's great."
"Your tits really look good for your age."
"That's a really good decision to have your hair hang over your ears like that."
"Those pants look comfortable... I think my mom has that pair."
"Your hair looks great for not having showered this morning."
"I see you're working on your 'front-butt.'" Leave it to Bob to drop the backhanded compliment that almost resulted in getting slapped by a very game Rachel. We were cracking each other up for a good half hour solid like this (not to mention Sunday's barrage aimed at Dacia), and DickBro was naturally oblivious and still pounding Dacia on some elusive chance he thought he had of scoring. I thought Bob had dropped the line of the night with the front-butt, but DickBro wasn't done. As if Daddydamus had predicted it decades (or at least an hour) before, I heard this exchange verbatim just as Speaker was walking away. Talk about playing your trump card:
"So your husband... is he wealthy?"
Side note: F-Train, you've been linked. I dunno how I missed that.
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