Confectionary Television

Okay, so I hadn't blogged since March (jesus...), and Iggy said he'd like to see a live blog of something I mentioned on Twitter...

Mas Sabe el Diablo

So, last night my channel grazing screeched to a halt on Telemundo when I saw three ludicrously hot women on some telenovela having a great time increasingly tiny underwire-supported tubes of spandex for one another.

Then, I found out that there's a closed captioning channel that translates the Spanish into English. Awesome!

So, this is where I found Mas Sabe el Diablo, a fantastic piece of confectionary tv about young, hot Hispanics in New York City. Hot women, scantily clad, talking in a language I don't care to understand. What's not to love?

Fair warning, half this blog post is a celebration of hot Hispanic women doing whatever hot Hispanic women are going to do. I'm not apologizing, just know what you're getting into here.

Rough plotlines I figured out after one episode:

1) The villain appears to be a stripper who's sleeping with some old guy (Martin) to emasculate his younger brother. Martin is apparently a villain too.

2) The stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold has a baby, who is apparently the brother of the guy who's been pining for her since childhood.

3) There's a hot lawyer who fell in love with her street-wise client, and hasn't broken off her engagement yet.

4) There's a rich couple who have issues that one episode has yet to reveal.

5) Martin has a brother (?) who's dying, and I think Martin wants to pork his wife too.

Anyway, now that we're caught up...

Dying brother has been holding off on revealing his tragic illness to his daughter, and has apparently just revealed to Martin that his niece is in the Hamptons! With the criminal she used to represent!

Stripper with a heart of gold is looking awesome in a little tank and boycut shorts, and just heard from Topo (brother of her baby, as I understand things) that he loves her! And Martin just put out a hit on the criminal! Who dies in the Hamptons?

God, that stripper-w-h-o-g is smoking. She's really agonizing about Topo, and is totally torn about what she just heard. Now Topo won't babysit while she strips tonight. Tragic, I know.

Lawyer and the rich couple wife just walked back into their Hamptons vacation home and started pouring bloodys. One of two in a push-up bra is a pretty good ratio regularly, but not when it comes to Mexican TV. Anything less than 100% is unacceptable.

Martin is now revealing the Hamptons weekend to the fiance' of the lawyer, and he's taking it surprisingly well. Maybe this isn't the fiance'. Fuck, I need to catch up. Hitman just called, and Martin wants this hit executed as soon as possible. Hope to hell the criminal dude gets to show off his sweet karate moves that he rocked last episode.

Wait, criminal is Topo's brother? Well shit, I should have figured. Topo is apparently trying to pull off "a job," which likely means sucking the criminal (the titular "Diablo," apparently) back into the life for one more gig. He's now lying to his lawyer, telling him that his madre (Mexican for mom) needs him, and he's got to hustle back to Manhattan. God, that lawyer chick is hot. She totally wants to come with him for his fake mother thing, and he's having a hard time saying no, so he makes up an excuse that he wants to take the train, which means she can't come because her car can't be driven by someone else or something? Fuck, I dunno.

I don't remember this chesty brunette married to the Mexican John Ritter from last episode. She's in her early 40s and manages to have her tits right under her chin in a sundress...

STRIPPERS! Fuck, one is stretching out by touching her elbows behind her back and doing squats. I couldn't possibly be making this up. Head slut, the one who's banging Martin, walks in. She's ridiculous. I mean, I'd empty my wallet to get a lapdance from any one of these women, but the villain? Damn.

Seriously, we're now seventeen minutes in and they're just now doing the title sequence?

Gaby Espino is top-billed, she's the lawyer. I need to figure out who the head whore is. I'm having a hard enough time typing and reading the subtitles at the same time, so it might be a few days before I get all this shit straight.

Okay, so commercial break - one reason I fell in love with this show can best be summed up in how they treated the standard in-bed-with-the-wrong-girl, but-someone's-on-the-phone, so-baby-be-quiet-so-we-don't-give-anything-away scene. On American TV, the girl would be nibbling at his neck and giggling. Telemundo? She's clearly fucking him under the sheets. This whole network is one exposed breast away from the pay wall, I swear to god.

By the way, about half of these commercials make you feel like you're in a parallel universe where the ad wizards swap brown people in for take two.

Diablo is saying his goodbyes, and lawyer lady's ass is banging in tight grey jeans. Yesterday, they did a flashback to her spirited defense of him in court. Did you know that New York City features court rooms that operate entirely in Spanish? Me neither! Lawyer chick looks like a curvy Angie Harmon, but 30% hotter.

STRIPPERS! Fucking A, I love this show. They're constantly working on their moves while talking, which is intentional, I assure you. Head whore is now in shiny boy shorts and a bikini top featuring mad sideboob. She's bragging about Martin giving her his credit card, and how she's totally playing him. Good for her. I'd be driven stupid enough by this chick to empty my bank account too.

Hitman arrives in the Hamptons, presumably to fill Diablo full of holes. Of course, he calls the boss before going in the house, which makes sense to set up his whole path from NYC to the Hamptons where he tries to kill someone and eventually goes down due to tracking the location of his cell phone calls.

Geeze, Nissan clearly a sponsor of this show. Lawyer and Diablo just fawned for 30 seconds over the camera that helps you back up without hitting shit in their muy, muy bien Murano.

This show has more women I'd like to pork than any other show on TV. By a significant margin.

Love the "I'm Mr. Opportunity, and I'm knocking" ads for Honda on Telemundo. Wonder if that translates to Spanish.

Another brown-people-take-two for Olive Garden. Great ad for calling cards hosted by the least-animated animated ant you can imagine. For $5, I can call Mexico for 73 minutes. I don't have that much time in my day to yell at Mexicans, so I'll keep my $5, thanks.

God, this dying-guy-and-wife-Martin-wants-to-bang couple is getting annoying. Ridiculous sidebar. They're like the parents from the old version of 90210, who I assumed were only hired because congress passed some law mandating an acceptable minimum of middle-aged cast members on television shows. Dude's dying with nobility, I suppose. Just die faster, please.

Hitman doesn't look at all obvious with his bald head, huge SUV and constant cell phone calls from across the street. I think I've just figured out lawyer lady's name is Manuela.

Christ, dying guy again. I'd totally bang his wife, even though she's thick and easily in her late 40s. She's really ratcheted that cleavage to another level, even for a mature woman with good size to begin with. Fuck, I'll miss you too, dying guy. Please pass.

Diablo in the house! Criminality to follow. Diablo has the map, knows when the shipment arrived. They're clearly hitting a truck full of... microchips? I think that's right. I know how this is going to play out... One of the criminals loves Topo's stripper, and knows Topo's after her, and he's totally going to turn on this crew and screw them in the end. Love his peasy beard and fake-ass cheek scar. Least threatening villain I've ever seen. Even Diablo's had enough. He just threatened to "finish what Iron Man (Martin) started," whatever that means.

Telemundo already teasing Mexico v. USA on Aug 12. Oh, I'll be there, Telemundo.

Steve Zahn's acting doesn't get any better in the dubbed trailer for The Perfect Getaway. Can't believe I'm expected to accept that he's married to Milla Jovovich. Not in this life. Where, exactly, on the quirky-chick spectrum does Jovovich fall, by the way? I mean, I would think Zooey Deschanel is the current gold standard, having taken that title from Parker Posey a couple years ago. I think Milla is slotted a couple below Zooey, and is ranked right above Maggie Gyllenhall. Deep sleeper on this list? Lili Taylor.

Manuela is glowing about Diablo after dropping him off at the train station, but detective guy is suspicious. Manuela blows him off and everyone laughs. Cut to the criminal elements plotting their microchip heist. Peasy dude has already been told he's not on the job, but only after they revealed their plan? Come on now. You know this guy's going to Martin to rat these guys out. I'm sure they're Martin's fucking microchips too, probably.

Big showdown between Diablo and some dude named Leon for control of the team. Ragtag bunch of misfits, really. Ridiculous. Someone's getting shot, and someone's going to jail. I'm sure we'll figure that out tomorrow, as no one's robbing anything in the next 13 minutes.

I'm wildly disappointed that I haven't seen head whore in more outfits today. On yesterday's episode, she taunted Martin's brother by showing him a teddy she bought with Martin's money, they went to commercial, and she showed up in the next scene wearing the teddy. This is why I'm watching.

Marina - that's apparently head whore's name. She hinted that Martin's son might be gay, and now Martin's confronting his son on the issue. Told you she was emasculating him. Martin looks pissed. Hasn't used the Mexican version of, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Oh, so the strip club has a kitchen? Stripper-w-h-o-g wants the kitchen staff to watch the baby, and she's just revealed to them that Topo might be going out on a job. Turns out, one of the kitchen staff is the mom of one of Topo's crew, and the other one was eyeing her baby like a piece of meat.

Peasy beard dude is totally selling Diablo out... TO HIS MOM. That's the kitchen lady. What the hell? Tell the cops, get him arrested! Why tell his mom? Ugh.

There's been a total sex drought on this episode too. Last episode? way hotter. Still enjoying myself, but PUT SOME CHICKS IN LINGERIE, PLEASE. Dammit, Telemundo, you know what side your bread is buttered on.

Wait, there's a newswoman on Telemundo named "Tsi-tsi-ke Felix?" Did I see that right?

Last five minutes. Hitman's still following lawyer lady back to her apartment. She's digging through her luggage, and pulls out a nude drawing of her Diablo did. Nice! Classy! I've got to remember to tell women I'd like to draw them nude. Seems like an easy sell.

So, it's about to go down with Diablo's crew. They're dressing up as city workers, and Diablo is stating that he's doing this job BECAUSE he loves lawyer lady so much. As if that's not a perfectly good reason not to do the job. Jesus, Mexicans make no sense.

They roll out, and that's it... until tomorrow. Looks like lawyer lady disrobes, Martin tells her about the job, and Diablo's crew may not pull this thing off!

Tomorrow, 7PM Central, TELEMUNDO!